Weed of thought

Hate is a strong word. But I hate what you have done to me. I hate the power that I have willingly handed over to you, for too long.

I hate your need to dominate and the mind games you play. I hate your indecision and therefore, your lies.

I hate the weed of thought that has taken hold in my heart and mind, forever growing no matter how much I try to remove it.

I hate your shallowness and how it makes me feel. I hate the hope you inspire and the feelings you awaken. I hate the despair and the self-hatred you create.

I hate my weakness. But I abhorr yours.

Waiting for when

The problem is, I don’t think I deserve it.

I’m not pretty enough, not thin enough, not toned enough.

I don’t look after myself, I am too greedy, too lazy.

I’m not as nice as I think I am: I’m boring and awkward.

I believed something could happen with him because he made me believe I was attractive and beautiful and interesting. I needed to believe it was true so I needed him to commit to it, somehow.

He didn’t.  Now I don’t believe.

I plan and I scheme and I wait for when:

When I lose weight.

When I get fit.

When I’ve dyed my hair.

When my kids are happy.

When I’m happy in work.

When I get a divorce.

 

When will when come?

It won’t come while I wait for it. So I plan to manufacture it. It hasn’t worked yet.

He was here and I coped. I ignored. I didn’t look though my eyes burned with want.

And at the corner of my eye I saw the tell tale signs. I heard the usual hints. The same game play with rules I can never understand.

Except acknowledging that the only way I win is by losing. Saying goodbye to when and hello to now.

Turmoil

This blog post has been really hard to write. I don’t know where to start or how to explain the confusion and feelings I have had today.

About half an hour ago my son asked me if I was OK. He said I was ‘acting weird’ and my daughter agreed as she walked past. I asked them to explain and they said that since they’d got home from their Dad’s, I’d been more loving and calm than usual, and happier. I was astounded. Apart from being exhausted and pleased to see them as usual, I didn’t know what to attribute it to. Except, perhaps, for the effects of my time with Lost Soul last night. There’s a warmth radiating from my solar plexus that can only have come from my time with him.

After only four hours sleep I awoke at my usual time this morning. As could only be expected, the events of the previous night with Lost Soul were immediately in my mind. No doubt aggravated by lack of sleep and a looming hangover, the array of thoughts and feelings which flooded my sleep-deprived mind was overwhelming.

Disbelief came on pretty quickly. How had it happened again? How was I back in that situation after all my promises to stay away?

I quickly acknowledged that this one is obvious. Anyone who has read my blog will know how I feel about Lost Soul, even after all these years. No matter what has happened or how much I tell myself that there is no future between us, I can’t turn off how I feel about him.

However I did not expect him to act the way he did last night. My post, Strong, shows that: I acknowledge that so much of this comes from my own head.

If I believe what he said, he wanted to be with me almost as soon as he arrived. He certainly made comments through out the night to suggest he was attracted to me. But then there was the unprovoked conversation where he told me that he was purposefully staying away because he didn’t want to harm our friendship. Shortly after that, he upped his attentions to me and started making open propositions for us to spend the night together. Confused? Me too.

I didn’t know how to react to him. I want to be with this man and have done for a long time. But I’m so confused about his feelings for me and my feelings for him that I can’t trust our decision making. I don’t know what is going on.. So how can I make a good decision?

He’s never pursued me as persistently as he did last night – in words anyway. He said that he wouldn’t make a move on me without me giving him the go ahead. I just couldn’t and he didn’t.

Why not? I want him. He wanted me. We are both single, consenting adults. We are both attracted to one another. We get on well and understand each other. Why wouldn’t I let myself be intimate with him?

I suppose I wanted the sensual intimacy first. The slow build up. The kissing and caressing. Why didn’t he kiss me until the end? Was he waiting for me to make the move? Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I? Only when I went to kiss his cheek right as his taxi arrived did he kiss me tenderly, sensually on the lips.

Does he want to try a ‘relationship’ of some kind or was this just a one night stand? Does he want to be FWBs? Was this a symptom of his loneliness and recent relationship break-up or was this an opportunity to start something between us?

Am I just out of practice? Is this how relationships start nowadays – straight into sexual intimacy? Open, honest acknowledgement of sexual desire which may or may not lead into something else? Perhaps he knows no other way to start this, if that’s what he is actually doing. We already know we get on and enjoy spending time with each other.

Have I stopped this from proceeding again? Why did I do that? What would have happened if I had gone ahead?

What do I actually want?

Although I know I am attracted to him, I am never fully prepared for the surge of desire I feel when I see him. I want him. I want to touch his body and run my fingers through his hair. I want to kiss him. Everywhere.

If it was just sexual desire then why would I not take advantage of his own desirous advances? I know he is attracted to me.

I’m self conscious and I’m not sure why exactly. I have not had many sexual partners but I am not inexperienced either. I’ve had one night stands but always with someone I knew or had met a few times first. In the past I have been confident in my sexuality and desire. I’m no prude nor a wallflower.

I have standards though. I don’t want to feel used. I’m OK with sex as sex when it is clear that there is desire for me and care, even if this is a no-strings situation. At the same time though, that was me in my early 20s. I’m now in my late 30s. I’ve had three children and have the body to show it.

I’ve not been intimate with anyone for a long time. My marriage was sex-less in the last few years and I have not had a relationship since we separated. That’s nearly five years worth of celibacy. Wow, I didn’t realise it was that long.

This doesn’t explain what I want though.

Would I have a one night stand with him if that’s what was offered?

I don’t know. I’m intrigued about our compatability and the ‘spark’ between us. I’ve not let myself go around him so this would be a chance to. I’m scared either one of us would be disappointed.

Do I want a relationship with him?

I want to be with him, is that the same thing? I feel alive when I’m near him, like something has awoken inside me. I know how well we get along together I have wondered for a long time how that would feel in a relationship. Would we continue to be better people because we are together – inspiring each other to greatness.

Or is this all a case of wanting what I can’t have – the fantasy being better than the reality. We’ve been in this slow game for seven years, with moments when we have both been in relationships, both been single or only one of us single. I just want to know.

Do I want a FWB arrangement then?

I wish I had the confidence for that. It would be ideal in some ways as the no strings would mean that we both knew where we stood but we could each other’s company and intimacy.

But I love him so that won’t work. He makes me laugh, think. He makes me feel alive. We could be so amazing together. We’d be best friends and lovers and enjoy this world to the full.

Or it could all be in my head. Or we’re both so scared so we will never find out.

We have text each other throughout the day which has been great. Maybe he has made me happier today.

God help me.

Weak

We walk home together. He talks to me, honestly.

He likes that I fancy him.

He likes our flirting.

He’s scared that if we did anything, that would all change. It would create feelings.

He wants to have sex with me, has wondered what it would be like, but doesn’t want awkwardness. That’s why he pulls away.

He doesn’t want to change what we have.

Later, he admits that he doesn’t call or text because he’s frightened.

And then he’s with me and we are at my home. If I just let myself go I could be with him but I can’t. We cuddle. We talk. He tells me to stop looking at him with ‘those dreamy eyes’, that he’s no good for me but can’t say why.

We cuddle more.

I call him a taxi even though I don’t want him to go. I don’t tell him that I don’t want him to go. I want to kiss him but I’m scared. The phone rings and he goes outside to wave down the taxi. Then he comes back to the door to hug me goodbye. And he kisses me, properly. He smiles and says goodbye and I kick myself for not being braver and he drives away.

Not strong at all.

Idiocy

I’m never going to learn.

Today, I had the very uncomfortable situation of my teenage daughter walking in to the room as I was talking about Lost Soul to my brother-in-law.

She heard my comments about his flirting and my need to “get over him once and for all”, (yes, that old chestnut).

Since the night a few weeks ago where he made some blatantly obvious statements intended to get my head in a frenzy, I’ve seen him once more where he retreated again. Same old, same old. What is wrong with me?

Whilst acknowledging how good we would be together, my bro-in-law agreed that I need to move on. He said that it was highly likely that Lost Soul’s current relationship wouldn’t work based upon things he has said and past experiences, but that there was no point waiting around.

I was dumbstruck when my daughter walked in. How stupid of me to discuss this when she was at home. How ridiculous of me to fall, yet again, for his childish games. NOTHING HAS CHANGED in eight years.

Lost Soul replied to my generic ‘Happy New Year’ message with general chit-chat. Commenting upon his early night last night he stated that, “we had the boys.” And that, my friends, says it all.

I spoke with my daughter about what she had overheard. I was honest. There was a past between us, nothing serious. We get on well, he flirts, and his flirting makes me feel worthwhile (pathetic, yes?). I told her how much I care for her Dad but that we had been unhappy for a long time. I said that despite being separated from him for over 2 years, I wasn’t entirely ready to date but that I didn’t want to spend my life alone.

She was surprising understanding but not surprisingly, mature.

What she did say, is that she didn’t like Lost Soul. She said I could do a lot better than him.

I truly believe this to be my daughter’s honesty and that says a lot. Not that it appears that anything was going to happen anyway, but now it can’t. I also remembered, as I later thought it through, that my Dad wasn’t wonderfully keen on him either.

What was I thinking?

2019, if I can only have one thing this year, please help me to end this idiodic behaviour once and for all.

Lonely heart.

I didn’t expect to see you there. I mean, to be honest, I don’t think about you half as much as I used to do. And anyway, I’d had a bad day and so I had other things on my mind.

I’m self-conscious enough though to be pleased that I still had my makeup on and my nice jeans and jumper from when I’d been shopping earlier that morning. Less so that it was now accompanied by heavy walking boots, a rainproof coat and dog hair (and the dog of course).

Why’d I had a bad day? Long story, but along the lines that I felt lonely. Lonely is quite a regular feeling nowadays. My friend let me down. I miss my Dad like crazy. It’s Christmas. I’m lonely.

So, I attempted to walk off my sadness with my dog in hand, boots on foot. I didn’t know you’d be there.

Was I pleased to see you? Of course. There’s still that little thrill when we meet. A hint of a memory of what was and what could have been. But I’ve moved on now – you’ve moved on. We made that decision, didn’t we? That it wasn’t going to work? Yes, I know we were drunk. OK, yes, I did most of the talking. But I couldn’t cope with it anymore, see, the not-knowing. The backwards and forwards. So, for self preservation purposes, I called it a day on whatever it was. OK, yes, I will also admit that I have wondered what would have happened if I’d have just let you speak, but I got over that. It’s been over a year since then. I got over you, as much as anyone who thought they found and lost their soul mate can. Wrong time, wrong place and all that.

So I was pleased to see you because your addition to the tea and company I expected from my sister was welcome. You make me laugh, think, talk. That’s a good thing when you’re feeling lonely.

But… I do have to say though, that I was a little confused by some of what you said. The fact that one of the first things you asked me was “So what’s new? Have you met anyone new? Been anywhere new?” Of all the things that you could have asked me, that was pretty straight to the point. I didn’t answer that part. I wouldn’t have asked you, or anyone else that, so it surprised me that you would ask me that.

And then, later, when we were all talking, you said how you’d missed all this. I’m assuming you mean us together as you still regularly see my sister and brother in law. I was the extra ingredient. I agree, I miss it – you – too. So, OK, may be that one wasn’t so confusing.

What about this one..? We got talking about modern day women and what they want from a man and how it’s impossible. An interesting conversation. Then you asked me what I was looking for in a man… OK, part of the conversation: a woman providing an example. But did you have to then say that there was “only one man in the world like that, and that’s me.” Really? What am I supposed to do with that?

Then later, you mentioned that you had just started watching the film version of my favourite book. A coincidence? Maybe. But I wasn’t the only one to think that it was strange. Why tell me that?

And then, the moment that you pointed out our age gap.. I can’t remember the context, but this was an unexpected twist… That when we met the age gap seemed too big but now it doesn’t. I mean, age gaps don’t mean a thing when you’re just friends so.. you know, that naturally got me thinking.

Don’t get me wrong, I also wasn’t the only one who noticed the name dropping of your girlfriend. Sometimes – if you don’t mind us both suggesting – a little needlessly. I’m sure that we also didn’t need to know that you have no sex drive anymore. Someone a little more invested might think you were hinting that you were less physically involved with your girlfriend but as I ‘called it a day’ last year, I obviously didn’t think this but I just wanted to add it in there as something potentially confusing.

I know, I know, we’d all had a bit to drink by this point. And honestly, it’s not the first time I’ve reflected that I probably imagined all these things. That maybe I am adding more weight to these innocent little comments than there should have been. Except… it wasn’t just me that noticed them. I mean, one of our party commented that you seemed more like your old self than you had done in months. Of course, I know that we have that effect on each other – people have commented on that for years. Just like they always thought that we were an item when… We weren’t. So what if they thought that some of your comments were a little suggestive too?

But yes, it was lovely to see you.

Obviously, in my current lonely state, it’s entirely possible that I imagined all the hints and suggestions. I’m back to those days of self doubt, confusion and heartache and I don’t want to go back to not knowing what’s going on.

What was that? What do I want then?

I’m not sure.

Ok, yes, I will admit that I have given mixed signals too in the past. But in my defence, I was confused. And protecting my heart.

No more mixed signals? OK, here goes…

If you told me that you’ve always loved me – no, less than that – if you told me that I’ve always had a special place in your heart. Or, that we were soul mates (yes, I know you’ve said that beforez but in this context)…

So, if, you told me that you missed me. That you always wondered what might have been. That you were scared of how powerfully we felt for each other and it was too much back then… If you told me that we were both older now, and you still felt the same after all these years. Then, yes, I would loan you my heart. Just for a while. Just to see if all that promise we have felt for all these years was truth. I could do that, if you said those things.

But, if you didn’t.. Well, nothing has changed then. I’d lose a little bit more respect for you as you’re either messing me about and still playing the game after all these years.. Or… You still don’t know what you want. And, you know what? You can’t blame your youth for that anymore. And surely, if you care for me as you say you do, you wouldn’t do that again.

I know we have history. So much of it. But that history has made me really tired of the “what ifs”. Has it not you too? So let’s not slip into old habits. Please. My lonely heart can’t take it again.