Concentration

Or lack of it.

I have none today, none.

I’m trying to mark exams. I keep reading the same paragraph over and over. I’ve managed to fit a million other things into my day, many I didn’t need to do, but hardly any marking. This blog been one million and one.

I’m blaming my hormones. PCOS messes with your cycle and so I am on my period for the first time in a few months.

Last night I was withdrawn and sulky for no apparent reason. I couldn’t find a film to watch, didn’t want company but didn’t want to be alone either.

Today I have boundless energy and restlessness. Can’t focus or concentrate.

Doesn’t help that Wild Card seems to be ignoring me today. But of course he would… I’m on my own, on my period, and have just made the decision to keep pursuing this path with him. Irony dictates that he chooses this moment to ghost me. Yes he might be busy. But I’m not that lucky. This would be absolutely typical of me – I think long and hard into something, make a decision but discover the decision has already been made for me.

Second was a bit weird last night too. Maybe he could sense I was ‘off’.

Maybe I’m not coping with the reality of life today. Hopes built to high, excitement maxed out, too many interfering hormones.

I’m going to be gutted if Wild Card has gone though.

Sigh.

Think I might go to bed and feel sorry for myself. Except I won’t be able to relax. Arrggghh!

I still don’t get it.

Bumble update. It’s not good.

Truthfully, I was pleasantly surprised with the (apparent) number of men on there. As I’ve read in the reviews, the aesthetically ‘most attractive’ men are first and the more you swipe, the more ordinary they look. That’s not a bad thing but it just means that you have to persevere with the swiping. I just hope the men are doing the same: what I lack in face and body, I make up for in mind and soul. 😊 I’m well aware I’m a slightly defective doll on the shelf of a toy superstore.

As with other sites and apps, there are the fair share of shirtless bed or gym pictures. I appreciate a toned body like the best of them but I much prefer to leave that to the imagination until it really matters, if you know what I mean?

Anyone who seems to spend their life up mountains or in the gym are also a no – mainly because I don’t believe they would be interested in chubby old me. I may have swiped right on a couple though…

All in all though, I have seen men I’m interested in or at least wouldn’t mind getting to know more.

According to Bumble, I still have 50+ men who are apparently interested in me. I don’t believe it. I have to pay to see them or keep swiping in the hope we are compatible. I just don’t believe there are that many but then I have no idea how many I have swiped either. It’s a numbers game so I’ve probably gone through quite a few both ways.

By last night, I’d matched with six men not including the one I blocked. I messaged all of them. Some were just ‘hello there’, some were questions related to their profile.

By tonight, five had disappeared without a response. Considering that I’ve only recently joined Bumble, these men have seen me in the last few days. For whatever reason, they’ve decide to like me. And then completely ignore me.

Why? Again, I don’t get it. Why match if you have no intention of messaging? Was my contact that boring and uninspiring? Or are they just saying yes to the majority just to cherry pick? I sort of understand that, and expect that, but after some sort of dialogue at least.

Don’t get me wrong, I was not expecting to have a load of dates lined up already. I know this will take time and effort and resilience. I know that there will be lots of dead-ends, lots of lethario wannabes and a few weirdos thrown into the mix. I know that there will be men who don’t find me attractive and those who will not find my personality or situation compatable. Fair enough. But why match with me, only to do nothing?

I’m of the opinion that the whole premise of Bumble doesn’t work, or doesn’t work for me at least.

(I’ve not mentioned the one who replied. His whole response was how he actually wasn’t impressed with his own profile but that it must be better than Tinder as he has had no responses there….. Errrmmmm.)

Second match messages

The next Bumble match to respond…

Me: Hey there (After the last disaster I’m not putting effort in until I know they’re not an idiot)

Him:Hi. Are you the dominant type

Sinking feeling. I know where this is going. I check his profile again – he seems normal enough. I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Me: In what sense? Relationships?

Him: sexually. Do you always like to be in full control?

And block.

Clearly, my world is very different to everyone else’s.

In my world, I log on to Bumble. I look at the pictures and profiles and decide if a) I could ever picture letting this man anywhere near me, b) he is possibly a murderer/psychopath/player, c) we have anything in common. I then swipe accordingly.

In my world, I realise that there will be men who do not like me. Fair enough. I also realise that if I do end up with a match, either one of us may then decide after messaging that it may not work. And, as experience has taught me, even if you then get to the stage of meeting up, the same may happen there too. Those are my expectations. That’s what I understand.

Clearly I am wrong here. Apparently men ‘swipe right’ to like you because:

A) they want the chance to abuse your appearance

B) They just want kinky sex and that’s all

C) they then want to completely ignore the message you’ve just sent even though you have matched.

One more day and then I’m giving up. I’m not expecting true romance here straight away, but a little humanity would be good.