Thoughts of you

“Sometimes, my love, I get so frustrated. So frustrated that I could just explode like an overfilled balloon.

Occasionally, a really BIG frustration is our language barriers, simply because I can not explain. Sometimes there are emotional things to say, layers of things, and we don’t have the words. So we simplify and in simplifying, we are missing a huge part of what needs to be discussed. 

Take tonight. Yes, we’ve discussed this before. But the simple sum of it, not the complex and unique equation. So let me try now.

I miss you every single day. From the moment I am awake until the moment I fall asleep, thoughts of you are with me. Most days,  just to see your face and hear your voice is enough to keep me going. I still miss you, and wish there was more, but I can be satisfied with what we have as it is a promise of more to come.

Some days are not so easy. Those are the days I need you. I need to feel the warmth of your skin and hear your heart beating. I need the softness of your lips on mine.

On those days, seeing you and speaking to you is not quite enough. I need more.

Sometimes, I just need a date, somewhere in the future that I can fix my mind on, so that these hard days are just a step towards when I will next be with you.  Covid has stopped that. Yet again we are in the unknown, not knowing when borders will open and we can plan to see each other again.

And then there are days where something will happen, something small, but it just adds to how I’m feeling. Maybe you’re busy and we can not talk as much. Maybe you’ve had a bad day and you can’t be as present. Maybe an ex has called or … anything that makes me feel further away from you. Perhaps I’ve seen a couple in love and feel jealous. Maybe I’ve had a bad day. I,, n those small moments, it feels like you are a million miles away. The missing you and that little thing come together to just explode the distance in my mind. Then, my body is filled with the shrapnel of those thoughts and that pain.

And then comes the next pain. Because I try to hide it. I know i’m being irrational and stupid and I try but I always fail because you know me. But in telling you, it makes it worse because then you’re frustrated too.

In those moments, I wonder if you’re better off without me.  I’m no good to you.

Day 12 – thinking and honesty

Is thinking dangerous? Would I be happier if my thoughts were as simple as the life I led?

Or do we miss something by living in the moment? Do we fail to see the bigger picture, the rest of the puzzle, whilst we scrutinise the one piece, engrossed in all its colours and intricacies?

Now for honesty. At least to myself. You may have worked this out days ago.

I came here for many reasons. To escape my life and problems at home. To see my boyfriend after 16 months. And to confirm my future.

I’d hoped, that this second longer trip would clear the uncertainty, either way. Please do not assume that I excepted hearts and roses. I expected a frank and honest conversation. I expected to discuss issues and make a decision on how, and if, to proceed. I wasn’t expecting a proposal but I was expecting a discussion about its possibility.

Part of the difficulty comes from our different cultures, and the modern fluidity of his. On the one hand, me being there at all with him and his family is a sign of the seriousness of our relationship. He has said as much himself over the months. Whilst we have tried to be respectful, his parents must be aware that he sneaks in and out of my room morning and night. They leave us alone, albeit briefly, when they shop. They’ve seen him rest his legs in my lap, him tickle me, heard his playful slaps on my bottom. They’ve seen our glances and smiles and playful looks.

On the other, the fact I am there at all and they know these things show the modernity of their thinking. Are they accepting of the seriousness of our relationship or are they modern enough to accept that it might not be the case?

If Wildcard was of a different nationality or even religion, me being here after nearly two years together would mean less. I expect a serious discussion because of his culture.

For whatever reason, he can’t tell me the extent of how he feels. I know he loves me. I know he cares for me. But I don’t know how much. I sometimes think he is scared to admit his feelings. I sometimes wonder if his feelings are as deep as I would like.

Whilst his lack of in-depth discussion worries me, I am comforted by his touches and kisses and concern. Today, when he came home from work he was unwell. I sat with him as normal until it was clear he was asleep. I started writing this post and, realising I too was sleepy left him to rest whilst I retired to his room. Half an hour later he arrived. He shut the blinds, took off his shirt and legs entangled, we fell asleep together.

Putting his culture aside, surely by now he would know if he wants to be with me? And if he didn’t, given the opportunities our long-distance-covid-affected relationship has given, he could have moved on quite easily and painlessly. He hasn’t though. He has dealt with my fear and my tears and disappointments and he has stuck around. He has asked for nothing.

And yet, he has given nothing either. No insight into his heart or his feelings.

So maybe I have to accept that this man loves me, but not enough.

Breaking a plate.

John Lewis

I really wish I had published my last post. In it, I wrote down a conversation I had with my boyfriend. He said something so romantic and poignant that I felt blissfully happy.

Disappointingly, I have to report that we have met another bump in the road. A week after the last one.

My experience of relationships is that there are stages where things seem to go wrong and this is often when they tend to end. Around the three/four month mark seems to be a common one – when the lust and honeymoon period end and you realise that actually, this person isn’t right for you. Sometimes around six months. Then around two years – this is usually when one partner wants more commitment than the other is willing to give.

I’m hoping, with all my heart, that we overcome this six month bump in the road.

There are some factors that are having a real impact on our relationship. One, is that long distance relationships are not easy, not easy for anyone. Take all the usual insecurities and anxiety you feel in a new relationship and double it, triple it and you’re somewhere close. Of course, when you really love that person and feel that connection, no problem is insurmountable.

Two is the fact that I was unable to make my second trip to see him in April. I think this would have consolidated things for both of us, either way. I think, if it had gone as well as we both expected, we would have both felt more confident about our feelings and our future together. Instead it’s deepened the missing, added to the anxiety of the unknown.

Three, is coronavirus. Not only did this stop my visit, it’s potentially going to prevent a future one for sometime. It’s meant that we are both in lock down and whilst that initially meant we have more time to talk to one another, there is nothing to talk about. So you want to be together but there are silences. Most of those time we accept those silences because we just want to be in each other’s company. Sometimes, they cause an issue. See below.

Four – more recently, my boyfriend has started Ramadan. I have to state here that I fully respect his religion and his choice. I am amazed at what he is doing and am proud of him for doing it. The issue is, I had no idea how much it would affect his general mood and behaviour. He’s exhausted, most of the time. He’s sleeping in odd patterns. He’s quiet and grumpy. And for an anxious person like myself, far too many erroneous conclusions have been jumped to which have caused problems.

Take yesterday. Relatively good day communicating. Usual laughing and joking. Regular contact. All good.

But then, his last call of the day (which has been occurring just after his first meal of the day when he breaks his fast) went wrong. Typically the call doesn’t last too long. He eats, he gets drowsy, he falls asleep. I can cope with that. I understand. Occasionally though, that short time between the start of the call and him getting drowsy is filled with… Nothing. He’s silent. He’s staring into space.

I need to state a fact here: he is the silence filler. He’s the one that cracks jokes, makes me laugh, fills the void. I am pretty useless. I try to make conversation, but go back to point three. By this time, there isn’t much to talk about. If we were together, no doubt we would just cuddle together, watch TV, content in the physical connection and silence. It’s clear that’s what we want. But it’s very hard to achieve when you are staring into a phone. And have anxiety.

It doesn’t matter that he has told me before – more than once – that his silence isn’t to do with me. Sometimes, he’s just in one of those moods. It doesn’t mean there is a problem or I have done something wrong.

So, the fact that I asked him what was wrong and he said ‘nothing’, should have been enough. The fact that he also said ‘it isn’t you’ should have been enough. Or even that he looked exhausted and we had a good day.

Oh no. Idiot here strikes again.

I made a comment. Something that has really hurt his feelings. I knew as soon as I said it that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t even mean it. It was born of frustration and missing him and childish selfishness and anxiety. I did wrong, not him. I own that. I’ve apologised, profusely… explained myself.

My boyfriend is amazing in a multitude of ways. If he upsets me, he is apologetic and caring. He won’t let me off the phone until he knows I’m OK. He owns his mistakes. If I am upset because of my anxiety or a perceived (and often imaginary) problem, he is equally caring and patient. He talks me through, settles me. Leads my thinking into a better place.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said the other way round. If I upset him, he sulks. It takes time for him to come down from that – I, on the other hand am notoriously volcanic: I erupt, behave badly, quickly realise, apologise and forgive. Move on.

I will state again, this is my fault. I have taken a time where he just wants to be in my company and I have cheapened it and thrown it back in his face.

But. I have apologised. I have tried to explain.

He has said I did nothing wrong – we both know I did. His behaviour has changed accordingly so I know full well he is still hurt.

He’s not ghosting me. He’s still in contact, still answering calls and texting. But he is sulking.

If the past is anything to go by, he will slowly and surely come round. I will need to be patient and positive – like he is with me. Each day things will return to normal until it is forgotten.

Time will tell though. Six months in, we are experiencing each other’s flaws and working out if we can accept them. I know full well you can’t change them.

Mark Manson talks about China plates. That a big problem in a relationship is like dropping a plate. It breaks in two. But with hard work and determination, you can fix it. It may be a little weaker than before, but in time you will not notice that weakness and it will not impede on its use.

But break that plate two or three times and you have problems.

I don’t know if we’ve broken the plate. I don’t know if it’s just a chip – something you accept and get used to and eventually ignore. It might even have shattered and we are both trying, and maybe failing, to put it back together.

I don’t believe it is the last one. But one day it might be. One day, my stupid mouth and even stupider insecurity is going to smash that plate. Or maybe, his post-stupidity behaviour might cause me to smash that plate like an enthusiastic Greek.

I’m calmer than the last time he behaved like this. I was tempted to tell him, since I’ve apologised, to get back in contact when he’s forgiven me. But only for a second. I’m being patient, like he is with me. I was the one in the wrong and I hurt him. Yes, he’s being childish. Yes, despite telling me there is no problem, he is behaving otherwise and he is not in the right mood to discuss it.

So, be it a scratch, a chip, a break or a smash… Watch this space.

Lost

I dreamed of him last night. I was travelling to get to him. He called me when I was half way there and everything was OK, we were excited and happy. Then I missed the last train. I called but I couldn’t get through to tell him I was stranded.

I genuinely don’t know what to feel this morning. I’m kind of numb.

There’s a voice inside that is telling me that it will be OK. That he just needed space. He still messaged me. We’ve had an inordinate amount of contact recently and that can’t be sustained. He loves me. He’s frustrated when I doubt his love so I have to trust that this will be OK.

My sister asked me if I was not angry with him. She said he was being childish and unfair. I was frustrated at first, last night. Now, I don’t know. I’m trying to understand why he may have been like that and there are reasons.

I’m hurt he didn’t want to talk to me. There’s a part of me that feels rejected.

I don’t know what to do today. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get my good morning message – my hopes are resting so much on that.

I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to perpetuate his insecurity any further. But if he needs space, if he needs time then I need to give it him.

I don’t want to have a other tear filled conversation. I don’t want to argue with him. We need to talk about it though.

I just want him back. Even if he has been unreasonable. Even if I have annoyed him. I just want him back.

What do I do this morning? I feel lost. I’m trying to run through what I could say or shouldnt do and I can’t think straight. I don’t know what to do for the best. If he’s feeling angry and insecure, does he need contact and love and reassurance? If he needs space, would contact frustrate him further? I don’t know what to do.

He must know how much I love him and miss him. I have to have faith in that too.

I just want to hide away this morning. I don’t know what to do.

Bad day

Another awful week so far. Where do I actually begin?

School has been really difficult. Lots of anxious and scared children, looking for reassurance and comfort and you can’t give any, not really. They look to you for answers you just can’t give, no matter how hard you try. Staff are stressed, worried about exam classes, their own families and their own health. As a leadership team, you’re trying to do the best for everyone without actually knowing what to do for the best. We’ve been meeting morning and night, pouring over Government and council websites trying to work out how to support everyone… It’s been very stressful, to say the least.

My middle son, the one with ADHD and suspected autism is not taking it well, as you would expect. Getting him into school on Monday was a real struggle. The last couple of days he has visited me in school often: today, making himself late for lessons as he insists that I go home. It resulted in a meltdown this evening but we have talked and he seems calmer now.

Like everyone, I am worried about family members and I’m worried about supplies. I haven’t gone crazy like some which means, as the shelves remain empty, I’m starting to panic a little. We are OK for now and I just have to hope that despite the on-coming difficulties, things will settle down on that front.

It’s been a tense week all round and it would be surprising if this hadn’t affected things with Wild Card.

After my emotive panicking on Sunday and his patience and reassurance, I got a lovely text Monday morning. We chatted on text a little and was alarmed when he told me he had taken a suspected Coronavirus case to the hospital that day. We were both panicking. It turned out to be a false alarm however. Thankfully, for all involved.

Monday evening we chatted again and had a weird half joking-half serious argument. You know, one of those that starts as a joke but then sort of goes too far but neither person is 100% if the other is joking or not? It was all OK in the end and we were on the phone for two and half hours on that one call. We both drifted off to sleep still on the phone.

Yesterday morning I had a ‘Good morning my beautiful’ which is just what I needed. The evening was not what I needed though.

It was a particularly bad day yesterday at work. I came home exhausted, stressed and emotional. I called him and unfortunately, he appeared to be carrying on the joke and I just wasn’t in the mood. I kept telling him I would go and he would say no, but then he carried on with his fooling around. In the end, I just said I was going, waved and put the phone down despite him shouting ‘no’ repeatedly. In my defence I was on the verge of tears but… I don’t know. I shouldn’t have put the phone down on him. I’ve done it before, jokingly, and I know he hates it. I hate it when people do it to me. But, I kind of needed him to see that joking wasn’t working in that moment. Even that seems unfair now – 99.9 times out of 100 his joking works.

He immediately called back and I eventually answered. He wasn’t happy. He asked why I had ‘closed in his face’. I explained that I’d had a really bad day, apologised for doing it and promised I would never do it again. I then, tearfully, told him about my day. I think then he realised and he gave me some comfort. He called me later on, made me laugh and checked I was OK. We again stayed on the phone until he fell asleep and my battery was dying.

And then, tonight. 🙁

Do you want the short story? I text him when I got home but when he called I couldn’t answer his call. It rang for ages because he knew I was in. ☹️ I tried calling back about ten minutes later but he didn’t answer. Eventually a few texts have passed between us but he hasn’t called me back. His answer to why not was ‘because’. I sent a sad face, he sent a wry smile.

After that I didn’t respond and I really thought he would call. He hasn’t.

What to do?

I’m annoyed he is being childish. But I know how he feels when I don’t answer, as that’s how I feel when he doesn’t answer. It’s not unusual in LDRs and I think we both have some anxiety anyway. The other times that there has been tension is for this reason too. And then there’s everything that’s going on… Tensions are high and I have been hard work. I’ve kept him up late the past few nights too. We’ve talked for hours and hours this week… Maybe we just need a break?

I’m not making excuses but I am trying to understand. To forgive him like he has me for my silly, irrational behaviour this week. And other weeks for that matter.

So, just under an hour ago, I sent a text. I told him I missed him and I was here if he wanted me.

About five minutes ago, as I was writing this, I got an ‘ok’.

OK? OK!!!!!!!

So, still not resolved then.

I sent an ‘ok?’ and he hadn’t responded. I don’t know what else to do now. He’s clearly not happy. I don’t think it is justified but everyone is entitled to a bad day. I’ve had my fair share of them.

I’ve got to trust that he’s angry and maybe he just needs some space. I’ve been difficult and maybe he just needs to be away from me tonight. Maybe he’s having a bad day too.

I’m trying not to turn this in to something bigger. I’m trying to remember what he said to me on Sunday and his morning messages this week. But it’s really hard because all I want is his face and his smiles and his voice and our happiness.

Update: I have had a text. ‘Good night and sweet dreams.’

I replied ‘ok baby, you too. I’m sorry I have upset you that much that you don’t want to talk to me. Good night xxx’ He’s read it and not replied.

It will be one of the first times that we haven’t spoken on the phone at all since the beginning. I can’t help but fear the worst.