I know I shouldn’t be, but I’ve been low the last few days. Not myself.
I’m a good person. I don’t like hurting people. I’m not proud of my recent behaviour. Will you believe me when I say, I honestly thought that Second wouldn’t be hurt? Not really. But in hurting him now, ever so slightly, I’ve prevented hurting someone else.
My fear consumes my happiness. I’m too scared to allow myself to be happy. To scared that I am wrong and they are right. Even though they don’t know him. Even though they’ve never spoken to him. Even though they’ve never seen the look in his eyes or the care in his heart. If it exists.
And because I value the opinion of those I care about, the reactions of some – to what I have done and am going to do – have started to play on my mind. Doubt, pure doubt. It doesn’t matter that they are basing their judgements and prejudice on a faceless name, a bias. Those thoughts worm themselves into my brain and pollute. What if I’m wrong? Blind? Gullable? What if, like with Lost Soul, I’m reading this all wrong?
It starts as always and that’s fine by me. It’s a familiar pattern now, of words and glances, smiles and looks.
He comments on my tiredness though… Once, twice. I know I don’t look good. I move my head, my hair, my position. But today, no angle is making me shine. My face and mind and soul are tired today.
He starts to eat and I start to leave but he says, ‘no, you’re going?’ and I say, ‘I don’t want to but you’re having your dinner.’
We talk some more. And then he leans towards the camera and sends me a kiss. Although, this time, he does it again and again moving his face as if he is moving his lips around my own.
‘This is what I will do when I see you. I will kiss you here and here,’ as he kisses each virtual cheek and at first I think it is a European custom but then he continues, ‘and here and here’ as he kisses my forehead and my lips, ‘and then like this’ and suddenly his kisses are frantic, and placed all over my virtual face.
Just like I do with my children when I am giving them my love and making them laugh… Kissing every inch of their face as quickly as I can, kissing the giggles out of them.
Suddenly, everything is alright again. That one gesture, one suggestion, is enough.