That’s the best word I have.

It’s that time again. I sat in the airport.

I’ve cried. I taken so many deep breathes I’m surprised I can’t fly myself home.

I think I’ve felt every emotion this trip:

Excitement, anticipation, longing, anger, frustration, boredom, contentment, happiness, anxiety and deep, deep love.

It’s been a strange trip for lots of reasons, but I guess all those feelings already say that .

Last night, I didn’t want him to leave me. He knew it, I knew it. We had a very small disagreement. He couldn’t understand why I was upset about leaving. He reeled off all that he’d done to make me happy. He said that this wasn’t the final time, so what was the problem. All I can say, is thank goodness I’ve started to read “Men are from Mars”. This situation could have been a chapter. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just see that I was upset because of how much I loved him, and why wasn’t he upset? But then the words from the book hit me and I just told him he had done nothing wrong. I just wanted him to know how I felt.

This morning he came to me, as always. He was tired and hadn’t slept much. He curled into me, wrapping his arms around me and our legs entwined. We made love then cuddled for a hour, watching things on his phone.

Throughout the day, he has repeatedly blown kisses and winked at me – much more than usual. He kissed me passionately repeatedly – again, more than usual.

After we ate dinner, I went to my room to finish packing….well, ok, I went to collect myself as I couldn’t breathe.

He followed and we lay again on the bed. He caressed my skin as we lay there in silence. He kissed me gently. We said nothing.

So maybe he doesn’t cry. Maybe he doesn’t overtly tell me that he will miss me. But I saw it and felt it in every extra kiss, look, touch.

I’m about to board the plane. I’ve not cried for half an hour. That’s progress I guess


Day 2 – restless

I arrived at this airport just after 12. So, I’ve been here just over two hours. I’ve walked round the four shops which were actually open- many, many are closed. Some closed for good, some.just closed for lunch – which as a Brit I just don’t understand. I wanted to buy Wildcard one last birthday gift but the shop is closed. Oh well.

I’ve drank coffee. I’ve packed and repacked my bags. I’ve drank water. I’ve bought him biscuits. I’ve eaten gluten free snacks (woohoo!). I’ve browsed Facebook, BBC news and Google. I’ve had enough now.

I’m ready to go. I feel as pretty as I can in the situation. My bag is packed satisfactorily and I am suitably refreshed. I. Just. Want. To. Go.

I’m sat looking at the departures board waiting for the Gate number to come up. There is about a half an hour wait. I’m sat as close as I can to the area, and I can see border control. Do I go through like the countless people of his country that I’ve seen? Or do I wait?

I don’t know what is at the other side. What if, miraculously, all the shops open and then I can’t get to them? I doubt it, somehow.

I can hear children at the otherside…what is over there??

I’m through, after fighting with the electronic border control. They didn’t like the fact I was wearing my mask, funnily enough. And? It is pretty much the same as the other side except there are more people. Closed shops and cafes, lots of seats – most with do not sit signs- and that is it. But, I am yet another step closer. Just got to get past the Ryanair gate keepers now. Then, finally, through border control in Wildcard’s country. And then, I’m with him.

Day 1 – airborne

I’m looking at a beautiful sea of cloud.

The plane is pretty empty. I count 31 empty seats until you get to the next passenger. I think that was probably one of the easiest airport journeys I have ever done. Straight through everything with ease. My OCD printing and paperclipping has helped but was not needed so far.

I have been nervous all morning, understandable on so many levels and so I forgave myself. As soon as I walked into the airport I had to go to check in, not to check in luggage but to have my paperwork checked. It took less than 2 minutes. From that point I relaxed.

I’ve managed to buy Wildcard a few birthday gifts which I am happy about. Many of the shops were closed which with so few passengers is perhaps wise but it made me really think about how many people have been affected by this pandemic. So many people without work.

Wildcard has been quiet the last few days. He has called as much as ever but I know he is worrying. I almost didn’t come – yesterday I told him it wasn’t too late for me to pull out. He asked me why, and I said because he was nervous and didn’t want me to. He replied that he did but he was nervous. I’m hoping that, like me, he will relax more once I am out of the airport and in his car.

He is also convinced I will catch corona. I’ve brought my lateral flow tests so I can test myself at his house, in the hope this will calm him. It seemed to when I mentioned it.

Have I done the right thing, in coming? My sister and I joń∑ed on the way to the airport that I will replace all my Wildcard calls with calls to home. She laughed when I told her there were six a day. I know he loves me. I just have to hope that all will go smoothly like all the other travellers who have managed to get to their loved ones in the last 16 months. The fact that the Government is considering letting all Euro football workers in without any tests or quarantine days a lot I think.

I am a rule follower. And if it really want safe to fly, I wouldn’t. But it is ok for one group of non-essential workers then it must be ok for others. And I would say seeing my boyfriend after so long is pretty essential.

So, I’m airborne on the first part of my journey. I have to negotiate an airshuttle and hotel in a language I don’t speak next, and hope that they have gluten free food tonight as well as tomorrow morning. Then, flight two. The one he – and so me too- is worried about. But I can’t believe that finally, finally, I am on my way to him. And for that reason, it is worth it. My love for him means I am willing to try, his love for me means he is worrying. Not a bad state of affairs, if you think about it.

My endless love

Our love consumes me.

Every night, every night without fail, I lie in bed and close my eyes and he is there. I remember his kisses and his touch. I remember his arms around me. Making love. His smile and the warmth of his arms around me. Sometimes I imagine, carving out a new memory for the future. My hopes and dreams.

And each morning I wake and he is the first thing in my mind. I check the time to see how long it will be until I can message him. Or until he will call me. Until I see his face and hear his voice. I’m addicted to him and his love.

He consumes me.

I cannot get enough. No amount of time, no number of calls. It is never enough, never too much. And as he is the one who calls me 75% of the time, I assume he feels the same. No, not an asumption. He has told me that – he has never done this before and for so long and so much.

I feel like he awoke something in me. Everything now is in ultra HD… Every feeling and emotion, every promise and possibility.

I think about my life with him and, for the first time ever, I think about how much I want to make him happy: the life I want us to lead. This is new for me because before it was about the life my man would give me – the ideals and stereotypes that I wished for. I didn’t realise that until I met Wildcard and felt this.

I feel as if my whole life has led to this moment. Clues along the way now slot into place, leading me to him.

This is a love like no other. And every man that I have loved before just a lesson, a step towards loving him.

I once thought Lost Soul was my soul mate, the one who got away. What I felt for Lost Soul is nothing in comparison to the way I feel about Wildcard. And that terrifies me. It took me years to get over Lost Soul. But he was the one who got away for a reason – he wasn’t the right one. Sure, he opened my mind to possibilities of which led me to Wildcard. I have him to thank for that at least.

I know a part of me would never recover if I lost Wildcard. Because all the pieces in my life now fit and they’ve made a picture that I was forever looking for whilst barely knowing it existed.

But now I do.

My love for him is endless. I know that now from the depths of my soul to beyond.