Love and Letters and Laughter

Valentines is coming and I have things to say. Important things that are lodged in my heart, crying out to be heard.

I miss his joking and laughter.

So why wait? I can disguise my need to speak with Valentine’s, my cunning mind decides.

Using “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ chapter 10 on love letters, I begin

I tell him how angry and sorry I am for my recent behaviour. I tell him how scared I am to lose him.

And then, I tell him everything I love about him. I pour my heart into my words with the sole purpose of showing my appreciation and love of who he is and my gratitude for all he has done. And, I acknowledge his situation and end with a promise that I understand and I will wait.

I then faff about with a heart background and send it in an email.

I have no idea how often he checks his account, but I figure in the next week or two he will find it. I vow not to mention it until Valentine’s Day, either way.

Five minutes later he calls: he’s on his nightly walk.

Except…he asks about the letter. I laugh and tell him i didnt exoect him to find it and that it was for Valentine’s Day. For a moment he questions me panic stricken, until i reasure his its not for another 9 days.

I change the topic and gabble on about my day, but at thw first opportunity he asks me to read it to him as he comments it is long and he doesn’t think he will understand it. I tell him that he could translate it easy enough but I do tell him it contains apologies, thanks and lots of love.

He’s quiet for the rest of the walk, but then, that’s how he’s been the last week or so. I silently pray that when he finally reads the letter, things will change. I realise he is probably wondering about it.

The latter part of the walk is silent, bar the noise of the street and his occasional cough. I’ve ran out of things to say and he is just quiet.

Once in the house, he turns on the camera and sits to drink tea with his parents.

But first, he starts to read the letter. Aloud.

“Stop stop stop!! No no no, don’t read it out!!”

“Why?”

“Because it’s everything in my heart.”

But instead he continues, commenting first on its two page length with a glimmer in his eye, and starts to read it in funny voices, thus hiding its content from his parents who barely understand English anyway.

And I laugh as he reads, covering my blushes with my hands and my t shirt. I relish in his happiness and his humour again.

He pauses at various parts to comment, and even tells his mum what he is reading.

“Well that’s not right, you didn’t hurt me. I hurt you.”

And although I continue to laugh, inside my mind race’s. Is that what he thinks? The book talks about how, when a woman explains her feelings, men immediately see that as a failure on their part – that they’ve done something wrong. Is that why he’s been quiet? Not because I hurt him, but because he feels like he hurt me? Failed me?

I don’t know how much of the letter he understood. Probably less than half, with reading it in a funny voice, my laughter and his parents questions. But all I know is, he was happy he got the letter regardless, happy that I had written so much and for that time, he was himself. He came back to me.

Knowing him, he has read it again since. I hope he has.

I need his love and laughter back.

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To my love,

I know I’ve been different these last few weeks. Probably months. We have both been through some tough times, haven’t we?

I can not tell you how many times I have wished to be alongside you through your dark days, supporting you. I hope you have felt that I have tried, despite being so far away.

And you, you have a way of talking sense, even though you don’t always fully understand my situation. You make me laugh, show great patience. I hope you know how much I appreciate that.

You have said from the beginning that this relationship would be hard. Long distance relationships are by nature. The time apart is hard, and all the heightened emotions that come with that. And then, for us, there are cultural differences which are not so much a problem for me and you but are for others – our governements included.

And then…covid. Covid has kept us apart for over a year now. So what was always going to be a challenging situation is now even more difficult. The building hope of a visit and the devastation of another cancelled trip. Not knowing when we can be together. Not knowing where this relationship is going – it is on pause, almost.

I wouldn’t change my time with you though. I would rather have this than anything or anyone else. Our time has created a love so deep, so powerful that we have survived life’s ups and downs and are thriving through Covid’s restrictions.

Ironically though, for me, a love like that comes with a fear of losing it. Our relationship is so precious to me and I am so grateful that I have found it that I am perpetually scared it will be taken away from me.

No doubt, some of this comes from how I feel about myself and my confidence. You are so wonderful, that I can’t help but think that you deserve more. Someone more beautiful, someone younger. I can’t understand what you see in me, perhaps. In turn, this fear and low self worth means that at times I act in a way which could jeopardise what we have. I doubt and question and test. I need constant reassurance that this is real, my love is returned equally. That you feel the same…you still want me.

Time should have proved that to me, I know that. But time has a sneaky way of adding to those fears too. After 18 months of daily contact, albeit online, it is not surprising that we have fallen into an easy life together. The honeymoon period over, perhaps. I crave the look of desire you once gave me, the times you told me I looked beautiful. Even the times you asked if I loved you, missed you…

It is a normal part of every relationship, I know that. What makes it harder for us – well, me – is that the distance means I don’t have the other parts. The cuddles and kisses. Holding hands. Sitting together, thighs touching. You stroking my hair or putting your hand on my back to guide me as we walk. The knowing smile and look in your eyes as we gazed at each other over dinner, a reminder of the love we had just made or the promise of what was happen next when we were alone. All things that I loved in that one week we were together.

The distance makes me need this more. My insecurity and fear makes me crave this more. The time apart and the difficulties we have individually faced make this essential for me.

I know you love me. I know it in your actions and how you tell me every day. I know you miss and want me in how many times you call and your perseverance in this relationship. And yet, at times, I crave more. I can’t have the physical so I need need words – out loud, spelled out. I know that’s not fair to expect from you. It is not like you don’t say it. And you shouldn’t have to say it more just to appease me.

As time has gone on, and disappointment and missed time together (covid, grrrr) has plagued our relationship, I’ve found that I am scared to dream of our future. I once pictured you here. I dreamed a life for us. Now, it seems too much to hope.

We have talked about it enough for me to know you are waiting until we are.physically together to talk everything through and make decisions. I respect you for that, don’t disagree with your plan. This is the rest of our lives and there is a lot to discuss. It is absolutely right that this should be in person after spending more physical time together.

But the anticipation is killing me. The not knowing, the questioning and guessing and wondering… all not-good for an insecure overthinker like me. And as time goes on, I fear that I will do something to make you not want me anymore. Or that someone better or easier will take you from me.

And to see others reunited…getting married…that is hard. I want so much for that to be us. To know that you want that, me, as much as I want you. To know the difficult beginning is just that, just the start of something wonderful.

I want a life with you. I want to give you a good life. Be there when you need me. I want the excitement of building a life together, you and me, making the best of this world. You inspire me to be better and I want the same for you.

I love you so much. I’m so grateful you are in my life. And I’m sorry for my fears and how they sometimes taint the good that we have.

Don’t give up on me baby.