Unfortunately, my mood this morning was not much better than yesterday. I was low with no clear indication of why.
I applied my make up in an attempt to cheer myself up. It wasn’t long before Wildcard called me, which put a smile on my face.
Apparently, not big enough though. He knew – as he always does – that something was off. And, as always, he wouldn’t let it go until I told him.
Problem was, I was not sure I knew myself until it just came out. I said how Christmas was a difficult time for me. He asked why. I said because I felt lonely.
Was that true, I asked myself? I had said it without thinking. I don’t look forward to Christmas like I used to, even as an adult I was excited about the experience for my children and as a married woman.
Wildcard asked how I could be lonely: I would be with my sisters and my children. This is true. And my children and sisters are everything to me.
But. But at that moment, I could only think about my Dad. And my mum. And Wildcard. How I couldn’t have what I wanted. I’m not a greedy person. I don’t care about gifts. I just love Christmases with my whole family around me, like I when I was a child. I can’t have my Dad. Or my mum. Or my boyfriend.
Yes, I sound like a spoilt child. And his words made me realise that which is one of the things I really love about him. He challenges me to see things from a different angle. I was feeling sorry for myself and it needed to stop. I needed to find my Christmas spirit again.
‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens is a wonderful novel all about just that. At the end, Ebenezer Scrooge says he will live with the spirit of Christmas the whole year through – the past, present and future.
I had wonderful Christmases as a child and that was because of my parents and my sisters. I need to remember that.
At present, I am lucky enough to be in a position to see my sisters, spend part of Christmas with my children through my amicable relationship with my ex and then have some time with myself/Wildcard.
The future is unknown of course but that doesn’t mean I can’t fight for the future I want.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!