Unfortunately, my mood this morning was not much better than yesterday. I was low with no clear indication of why.

I applied my make up in an attempt to cheer myself up. It wasn’t long before Wildcard called me, which put a smile on my face.

Apparently, not big enough though. He knew – as he always does – that something was off. And, as always, he wouldn’t let it go until I told him.

Problem was, I was not sure I knew myself until it just came out. I said how Christmas was a difficult time for me. He asked why. I said because I felt lonely.

Was that true, I asked myself? I had said it without thinking. I don’t look forward to Christmas like I used to, even as an adult I was excited about the experience for my children and as a married woman.

Wildcard asked how I could be lonely: I would be with my sisters and my children. This is true. And my children and sisters are everything to me.

But. But at that moment, I could only think about my Dad. And my mum. And Wildcard. How I couldn’t have what I wanted. I’m not a greedy person. I don’t care about gifts. I just love Christmases with my whole family around me, like I when I was a child. I can’t have my Dad. Or my mum. Or my boyfriend.

Yes, I sound like a spoilt child. And his words made me realise that which is one of the things I really love about him. He challenges me to see things from a different angle. I was feeling sorry for myself and it needed to stop. I needed to find my Christmas spirit again.

‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens is a wonderful novel all about just that. At the end, Ebenezer Scrooge says he will live with the spirit of Christmas the whole year through – the past, present and future.

I had wonderful Christmases as a child and that was because of my parents and my sisters. I need to remember that.

At present, I am lucky enough to be in a position to see my sisters, spend part of Christmas with my children through my amicable relationship with my ex and then have some time with myself/Wildcard.

The future is unknown of course but that doesn’t mean I can’t fight for the future I want.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!

Advertisement

Fighting on

Although my own blogging may have slowed, I enjoy catching up on followed posts most days. Some of you out there are experiencing a life I can’t even begin to imagine: be it through exciting dates or travelling or photography or experimental cooking.

I always find it sad when someone stops blogging for a while. I feel an anticipation when I log in, wondering if the next installment will be there, and then disappointment when it isn’t.

I’ve lost my way with my own blogging. I started out wanting to chart how I was starting again: separated at the age of 37 and desperately wanting to live a fulfilled life.

First, depression hit me. Then, Lost Soul came back in my life and dominated so much of my thoughts, emotions and life. I’ve managed to wriggle free from that hold he had over me.

Since then, probably as I grieved the potentially perfect relationship that never was, my writing has reflected my ever changing emotions. Unfortunately it hasn’t demonstrated my journey to the life I want, mainly because I don’t feel like I am any closer to it.

But I will fight on and write on.

Talking of fighting on, it has been a difficult week. My dad ended up in hospital again with a severe chest infection- not good for a man who has survived lung cancer and has COPD.

We thought we were losing him on Thursday and he was not responding to treatment. Slowly though, he is starting to pull through. Confusion and hallucinations have followed but today as I visited him in hospital, he seemed more like a very weary version of himself.

His scan results have come back today too. As expected, his lungs are continuing to deteriorate. Not expected though, was that he has also had a little stroke.

I have lived with my dad for most of my life. I estimate about three years in total where I have lived away, before I bought and extended my childhood home.

It’s not easy sometimes. My dad is stubborn and is not too keen on change. He also doesn’t always tolerate my moods which is fair enough. On the whole though, we get on great.

I haven’t had a lot of patience with him though this last year. Fighting my own inner demons makes it hard to cope with someone else’s. My dad is naturally a pessimistic person and that can be hard to deal with day after day when you’re fighting to keep yourself positive.

He is a fantastic dad though. He has been there for me and my siblings whenever we need him. He is funny and caring and generous.

He tells us that we are his life and he is certainly the centre of ours.

I can’t wait for him to get home. I’m looking forward to hearing his grumblings because, you know what? He has earned them. He has survived cancer twice, three serious infections that have brushed with death and now a stroke. He is fighter.

Keep fighting daddy. Xx