One said he loved me

One said he loved me, but played me like a game,

One said he loved me, but loved another just the same,

One said loved me, but later laughed upon my face,

One said he loved me, then disappeared without a trace.

When you say you love me, don’t be surprised if I do fear.

When you say you love me, speak to my heart not just my ear.

When you say you love me, say it loud so the world does know,

For perhaps when you say you love me, I won’t be afraid you’ll go.

It is pretty obvious that I’m a thinker. A dweller. A ruminate-r. So, after reading the wonderful advice I received this morning, I didn’t know how to answer. I needed to think.

Luckily for me, my children were still asleep, the dog didn’t seem to want the toilet yet and so I just lay in bed, gazing at the sunlight peeking around the curtains and just thought.

As is often the case, things felt a little better this morning. I cringed inside at my behaviour (he hates it when I put the phone down on him and I haven’t done it in months and months and months.) I thought about his. I thought about my feelings and our ‘future’. I thought about the advice I had received and the absolute truth within it.

And then I called him. Yes – I know, I know. But I needed to. He normally calls me in the morning, but I needed to speak to him before my youngest came bounding in. It was gone 9am by this point and usually there would have been some contact so that didn’t help either.

He was asleep. I woke him. And as he turned his lamp on and I saw those big brown eyes looking at me, and heard his sleepy voice, he had me all over again. He asked me repeatedly if I was OK but it wasn’t long until we were interrupted.

The call ended and I was determined to heed some of the advice given to me. Today was about making myself feel better. Me time.

So I showered, I shaved, I moisturised top to toe. I spent ages on my make up and hair whilst my daughter chatted to me, lying on my bed. I put clothes on that she said made me look pretty and I tried to feel better. It worked a little. I certainly felt calmer.

I had another couple of calls from him then took my children to their Dad’s. I then MADE myself clean the house. No feeling sorry for myself and dwelling. So I cleaned. I made a fire. I folded washing. I put happy music on and sang and danced. I can’t tell you I didn’t think about him, because I did. But I tried not to.

Without making me ill, covid has affected me and my relationship in a number of different ways. It has stopped me from seeing him and potentially progressing our relationship. It has stripped me of doing all the things that I used to do to fill my time, as in when I first met him and when I was content with my lot. And it has given us so much more time that I think we have both become more dependent upon each other. I don’t know if that would have happened automatically as our feelings grew, or not, but having more time to do it certainly has contributed.

During my cleaning, I’d gone outside to the bin and heard the familiar sound of geese flying overhead. The sound automatically makes me think of my father. It’s not an unpleasant sound and it doesn’t bring back unpleasant memories but naturally it brings a sadness. On this occasion though it actually brought some creativity and I ended up writing a poem about my dad and about all the things that remind me of him at this time of year. I actually shared it on Facebook as I have family members that I thought would appreciate the sentiment.

I was beginning to make myself something to eat when I heard the familiar ping of my phone. When I looked, Wildcard had written two lines: ‘you love your dad’ ‘and me I love you baby’. I replied that I loved him too. He told me that he hated to see me sad and that he was here for me, I knew that.

This this is why I love him. He could have just liked my post. He could have checked in on me when he called not 10 minutes later as planned. But instead he messaged to tell me he loves me, to tell me he is here for me and that he wants me to be happy. This is why I love him.

He did call as usual as he set off on his daily evening walk. Tonight we reminisced about our time together, remembering things about that week that were so special. I felt calm and loved – the way it should be, the way it is when I’m not worrying.

When he got home, he prepared his dinner and I got mine. This is a new thing for me. I can count on one hand and the amount of times I’ve eaten over video chat in a year. Ridiculous I know, as I clearly ate with him when I was with him, but I really struggle with this. He however eats in front of me nearly every day. So this week I’ve been making an effort to slay that and although I’m a little uncomfortable I kind of like it too. Like we’re eating together.

The rest of the 2-hour call was spent with him making me laugh and laugh and laugh. I know him well enough to know this is his way to support me and make me happy. In return, I love the smile on his face and his laughter just as much.

So where does this leave me? I know I can’t leave him. No matter how hard this is at times – and it really is – I know it’s hard because of how much I love him. But I can’t give up on him. I also can’t change who I am. I am anxious I am insecure and I try my best everyday to not be like that, but I am. At the same time, I think my friend is right in that I need to spend some time focusing on me and my own happiness. Maybe when we come out of this lockdown in just over a week I will be able to do more independently. Maybe.

For now, I just need to carry on, I need to have faith and have hope and I need to remember that life has a way of working out the way it’s supposed to.

Magic – 25th April 2020 (daily prompt)

Magic exists.
Magic is love.
Love has the power
to transform,
to appear
And disappear.
Love has the power
to create life
and even
to take it
away.
Love can break and make
a heart.
Love has the power
to add sparkle
in the eyes of
those who are loved.
Love inspires
belief in the
possible.
It feeds hope
And cures
Sadness.
Love creates power
and energy,
stronger than
any other force.
Yes, love is magic,
And magic, is
Love.

Teach – 13th April, 2020 (daily prompt)

Teach me how to love.

Whisper heartfelt words in to my ear,

Caress my skin with a lover’s touch.

Teach me how to love.

Show me your love

In ways I’ve never seen.

Fulfil my soul

In ways I’ve never felt.

Teach me how to love.

Share the secret

Of how you’ve made me feel,

How you’ve awoken all my senses

And found something that never was before –

Teach me love.

Teach me love

Because no amount of practice

Has prepared me for you.

Below – 7th April, 2020 (daily prompt)

Below the surface
Of the trouser suit,
The high heeled shoes
The neatly tied ponytail
And subtle makeup;
Beneath the surface,
Of the knowledgeable face
And the thirst to teach
And the passion for learning
And the will to excite;
Below the surface is …
A teacher who is scared to fail,
A stranger with shyness,
A mother with regrets,
A child crying out for her father,
A friend who is lonely,
A big sister who always tries to be strong, and,
A girl who just wants to fall in love
And live happily ever after.

Hands – 6th April, 2020 (daily prompt)

From afar, his hands dance
to the symphony of his voice
and I look on, mesmerised.

I watch as they massage his forehead absent-mindedly,
Or stroke his soft lips when he is deep in thought.
I’ve watched them drive, and cook and give him food and drink.
I’ve watched them dress him and wash him.
I’ve watched those hands.

I’ve felt those hands.
The first touch, a tender stroke of my hair down my back.
The next, they were holding my hands and pulling me closer for the first, gentle kiss.
And then, brushing my hair back,
hands in my hair as he kissed deeper.
I’ve felt those hands:
Unbutton my blouse,
Caress my skin,
Knead and squeeze,
Tickle and stroke.
Those hands
… have loved me
as I love him who
owns them.



And the scales from my eyes

Pedestal high,

You circled me.

Thunder and lightening emanating from my heart and my soul,

Tied to you,

Or so I thought.

Your touch was the sun, lighting my days,

Your words, the dark that destabilised me.

And then the scales fell from my eyes.

A deep breath of bravery,

A moment of honesty,

And the scales fell to show me the truth.

You’re a siren,

a player,

a liar.

An actor, caught up in your own

starring role,

Writing the screen play,

Manipulating your players.

I see through you now.

See through your words,

Your memories,

Your games.

Strangely,

As the scales fell,

they strengthened my heart.

Realisation,

that I was fooled by a forgery,

In love with an ideal;

You were not a reality.

There was no promise or potential,

No right or wrong time.

So now, clear of dreams and lies,

I see you for what you are because

The scales fell from my eyes.

She’s here.

That’s OK. I know,

Now.

I’ve accepted, and processed.

I’ve understood and readjusted.

So, why,

Why do you say things?

Things that should make me think?

“I still need you in my life.”.

Or

“I thought it might be weird after what happened, her being here.”

It wasn’t and it isn’t.

I feel nothing.

A ghost of a memory.

A hint of a dream:

No reality.

No reality.

I feel nothing.

Castle

Bees dance around steadfast violet blooms,

which flutter in the summer breeze and

adorn your ancient stones like amethyst.The river trickles;

The birds chirp and chirrup

a fanfare whilst the occasional caw

of the midnight crow echoes in the falling towers.

Two trees stand sentry.

You are stark yet beautiful in your cloak of purple blooms:

A golden carpet lying at your feet.Are you lonely there on the Eden hillside –

Or are you content with your piece of English heaven?

How many footfalls have you heard, whispers of fabric brushing on the ground?

What laughter, or what cries in pain have echoed in your long forgotten hallways?

Today,

Earthly fingers trace in awe your lichen covered walls;

cameras click, voices whisper supposingly.

Sleep, gentle giant

and dream of knights

and ladies and the past.