Two minds.

Bad day yesterday. Not too wonderful today, either.

Just as he is attuned to my moods, I am attuned to his. And he wasn’t in a good mood yesterday.

In trying to explain this situation to my sisters I have come to the conclusion that I have two minds. One is logical, one most definitely isn’t. I’m sure there is a psychological term for this but I don’t know it.

You see, whenever there is an issue or worry, one mind can absolutely rationalise it. I can understand that yesterday, he wasn’t happy because he was worried about something which he told me about straight away. He does that when something is on his mind. He tells me about it, briefly but then moves on the conversation. But his mind doesn’t move on from it. I know this because I know him. My rational brain also heard him say he was very, very tired yesterday. He offered that information. Again, a big neon sign telling me to expect him to be quieter and more serious. I also know that as this is the first week in ramadan, that he is particularly tired. His sleep patterns are all over the place. The hunger and thirst are no doubt affecting him. My rational mind knows this.

My irrational and insecure mind ignored the rational mind. It saw that he wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t making jokes as normal. He didn’t call when I thought he would so clearly there was a problem. He wasn’t talking as much. He was a bit short in some of his responses.

Irrational mind jumped to conclusions. Irrational mind repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly, asked if he was OK. Had I upset him. Was he angry with me. Irrational mind rumminated and panicked and what if’ed. Irrational mind annoyed an already tetchy person. A person who had repeatedly told me he was OK and that I had done nothing wrong. Irrational mind led me to sulking and not acting how I normally would which further upset him.

Logical mind knows that both of us could have dealt with this better. That even though he was acting differently he still answered my calls. He stayed on the phone til there was some sort of resolution. Logical mind knows that there may be a hangover from this situation today and to try to not take it personally.

Irrational mind is worried because I haven’t heard from him yet. It’s wondering if this time, and in current circumstances, I’ve pushed him too far. It’s wondering whether I can actually deal with this relationship at all. Whether it will ever amount to anything. How I will cope if it doesn’t. And is wondering whether I should run.

********

So after a prolonged wait and numerous anxious calls to my sisters, he finally called. We were on the phone for over an hour.

Something is still not right though. He keeps saying he is OK and that there isn’t a problem. I don’t know what’s going on. He wouldn’t have stayed on the phone for so long if he didn’t want to. I told him I felt nervous and should I and he shook his head. But he’s not himself – no smiling, joking or laughing. No affection at the end of the call although he did behave a little more like himself at the end.

There’s nothing I can do. Asking what’s wrong is getting me nowhere. I think I need to just try to act normal but give him some space.

I said to my sister that I was better off single. Her reply? He makes you happy, you were miserable before. I just need to remember that.

Overthinking, bad maths and logical thought.

I will admit, I walked into work feeling quite negative this morning. Whereas sleep normally soothes my anxieties and provides me with a reality check and clarity, this morning that didn’t happen. Maybe writing my post this morning didn’t help either – I usually write at night but was too tired and had spent my evening gazing lovingly at Wild Card. Whilst worrying.

(Disclaimer: I am absolutely, definitely suffering from PMT)

I actually wondered if I could go through with this LDR this morning…

Maybe I do not have the right temperament for this. I am naturally anxious, have a low self esteem and plenty of relationship baggage to impede me. How long will I cope with this? The second visit was going to cement things for me. Now it probably won’t happen.

How much of this ‘relationship’ is a figment of my desires and imagination?

How can he possibly be interested in me? Last night he sent me a photograph of himself and it was just… Perfect. It actually made me gasp, my heart racing. And then I think… How the hell is he with you? Is he even with you? How do you know? Maybe you are just a distraction or a game.

It doesn’t help that he is a joker, a tease. Every day he asks me if I have missed him and love him. I always answer truthfully. Every day I ask the same. He always says no. Always with a sly look on his face or with comical emphasis. (He does text that he loves me and misses me BTW, and he always says I love you before we say goodnight but my mind wasn’t thinking about that). Most of the time I know he is joking. But sometimes, 2+2 really does equate to 124658 which means he doesn’t love me.

I walked into my office deciding that perhaps I need to take a step back. Perhaps that’s what he wants. I need to focus on myself. I’m thinking about him, this, far too much. Am I really that happy? Or do I just think I am.

Luckily for me, my first meeting was with the Head of MFL and someone I get on with really well. I’d actually confided in him about Wild Card a few weeks ago as he had repeatedly asked if I was OK and offered a trusting ear. He was good to speak to – knew of Wild Card’s culture and country, had dated someone from another culture and well, was a man. He’d given me some sound advice so far.

We talked work for a while and then the conversation moved on the Coronavirus. He is much more upto date on events than I am (I don’t watch the news purposefully) and he talked about his concerns for his pending trip abroad with his wife and small children. I put across my, seemingly, naive stance on it and we discussed it further. It then dawned on me… I am probably right, Wild Card’s reluctance could be wholly to do with the Coronavirus. I mentioned the situation and my colleague agreed, particularly knowing the culture of responsibility for guests and acknowledging the health care system there. I felt like a weight had lifted.

And then, a little later on in the morning, I happened to read a fellow blogger’s comments on my last post. And she completely and utterly made sense, again understanding his culture. If he and his family looked after me so well last time, how would they cope if I was ill? If I was stranded there? It was the first thing he asked me when I had broached the visit yesterday and whilst I may have convinced him that I was fine with it, he clearly isn’t. And his family probably aren’t either.

Wild Card had messaged me as usual and we had a quick chat with him asking how I was etc.

Someone who doesn’t care would not repeatedly ask if you’re OK.

Someone not interested in you would not spend hours of his day talking to you and making you laugh.

Have I forgotten his care and love when I visited? Have I forgotten his passion and the look on his face? Have I forgotten the frustration he has when he thinks I don’t believe or trust his feelings? Or that I have met his family and talk to them? Or his hurt when he thinks he’s upset me with his joking?

So, breathe. Stop with the bad maths and overthinking.

Update…

That night when I spoke to Wild Card, he again brought up Coronavirus, telling me that more cases had been diagnosed in his country. I siezed the opportunity and just asked him if that what why he didn’t want to book. He admitted it was. He said that, if I fell ill, he worried about the health care I would receive or what would happen if flights were cancelled. Everything slotted in to place for me, and my irrational fears were ill founded as usual.