Superstition and change.

I’ve never considered myself to be particularly superstitious but I’ve realised these past few days that is exactly what I am.

And the reason, you ask?

I’m superstitious because I haven’t written my blog for one reason only: things were going well with Wild Card and I was scared to jynx it.

So what happened?

Well, in my last post I acknowledged that things were not good. I considered why that might be and although I had thought of some reasons, I didn’t actually know. I decided to take a step back from the clingy but to keep a loving, reassuring presence. Well, that was what I was aiming for.

I won’t deny that I was hurt. I’d hoped that my attempt at honesty-without-fear would come good but it hadn’t with ‘that’s your problem, not mine.’

I’m reality, I would like to think that me telling him that I wanted him to ‘try harder with our communication’ and that ‘I just wanted to be with him’ had some impact – the next day he suggested I download a game we could play together. We have never done that before and it has really helped. We’ve played it on and off over the past few days. It gives us something to talk and laugh about, allows us to show some playfulness and competitiveness and we are spending quality time together.

The other thing that happened was that a couple of days ago it all just got to me. I was sad, melancholy. Not angry, or jealous or pretending to be anything other than I felt – happy to see him but so sad that things were not right. And I don’t think I could have hidden that from him if I tried, so I didn’t.

After one particularly acerbic conversation, I actually ended the call. He was surprised and asked me why. I made up some excuse but I could tell it bothered him. By the next time we spoke he had already started to mellow.

That day he asked me multiple times what was wrong. Eventually, keeping my honesty-policy in mind and thinking that I could hardly make this much worse I told him: I was sad because I missed his love. I missed his face when he looked pleased to see me. I missed his ‘I love you’s’ and his kisses and our laughter.

From then on, things have been pretty good.

So, for now, I’m keeping up with my plan. Stick to my routine, remind him I’m here and love him, but give him space and end calls – nicely–if he appears out of sorts. I’ve learnt that I don’t have the ability to pull him out of that mood, so why try?

Ramadan ends this weekend. I have just over a week left until I am back in work full time. Things are about to change again and I hope that this time it is for the better.

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Letting go… Just a little.

I want to say that everything is alright, but it isn’t. No matter how many ways I force myself to look at it, it isn’t.

Yesterday started off well. There was still an edge to him but he called as usual in the morning and we even laughed about our antics the night before.

In the afternoon I decided to text him as I was missing him. Just a little text. Maybe I shouldn’t. Who knows? But I was missing him so I did.

I got a response a few hours later: he’d been asleep. I called him and we chatted. Or, I should say, I did most of the talking, filling him in on my day. He was half asleep as he had just woken and he didn’t say a great deal, other than ask a few questions.

The call ended and my stomach sank.

He called me after he had eaten. Once again he was quiet. We spoke briefly then he said he would go. So, with my new impetus on being honest I asked why? He said he had nothing to talk about and he wanted to watch something. So, we are still doing this, are we? I said that there were lots of things we could talk about and I felt like he wasn’t even trying. His response? ‘Like what?’

I told him that I just wanted to be with him (he said ‘I know’) and this was making me feel that he didn’t want to be with me.

“That’s your problem, not mine.”

By this point he’d gone into defensive position (eyes shut like he’s going to sleep which he may well have been) and I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I said it was our problem as we were in a relationship. I told him I would go then. He shrugged his shoulders and said ‘If you want.’ I told him I didn’t want to.

I attempted another conversation with limited success and then I just gave up. I said goodnight, that I loved him and blew a kiss. I barely got a response.

I took an hour to reflect. If he wants to go, I just need to let him whether it’s because he’s still making the point, sulking or just wants to be alone. I’m getting nowhere otherwise. By pursing it, I’d once again nearly started an argument with him when he wasn’t in the mood.

So, I text to say I was sorry, that I just wanted to be with him because I missed him. I said goodnight and sent a kiss. An hour later, he sent me a kiss back.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking since then. As I said, it’s not good, however you look at it.

I can’t keep making excuses for his current behaviour. Maybe he is a little depressed – with the situation in his country I can hardly blame him. Maybe he’s still sulking. Maybe he is pulling away, despite what he says. Fact is, his moods at the moment are hurting me.

Perhaps I need to be stronger. Perhaps I need to have more faith in his insistence that he doesn’t have a problem with me. One thing I have realised, is that I can’t keep chasing him. It’s getting me nowhere.

So, I’m letting go, to an extent.

Courtesy of me.me

I’m going to text in the morning as I always do. But then, I’m going to give him space to contact me. I will check in with a text in the afternoon if I don’t hear from him. I still want him to know that I miss him, that I’m there if he wants me which is important if he is low.

If he wants to end a call, I will let him with a smile on my face. I can’t make him want to talk to me and so making an issue out of it is counterintuitive.

If he behaves in a way that upsets me or I am worried about anything, I will let him know. But at the moment, I’m not expecting him to want to talk like he did – if he is low, then he’s not going to want to. Likewise, if he’s pulling away this will just be more fuel to the fire.

My strategy is to check in, remind him that I’m here and I love him, but give him the space that he needs or wants at the moment. For whatever reason.

And in the meantime, I’m going to work on myself and my own resilience.

If he’s pulling away, there’s nothing I can do other than remind him occasionally that I still love him and want him but let him make his own decision. I need to use this time to prepare myself for the end, if this is what it is. It’s going to destroy me so mentally I need to prepare and limit the damage.

If he is low then he needs space not further problems. So again, check in, let him know I’m not going anywhere, but watch from a distance and see how this pans out. Having experienced poor mental health myself, I’m not going to run from him – these are unique and challenging times. But I need to learn about him and whether our relationship can be sustained. Maybe it can’t.

And if he’s still sulking? This is a red flag. It’s big enough that I need to decide whether I can cope with it or whether it’s a deal breaker. I’ve apologised enough. I’ve let my feelings be known. So if it is sulking, it will blow over, and I need to use this time to work out if I can deal with this in our relationship.

The caveat to this is that Ramadan and lockdown are having a major impact in many people’s lives. I can not under-estimate that. In my heart, I need to be sure that it’s not these things that are causing the issue. Which is why I’m letting go, for now. I’m stepping back and letting this play out and giving myself some space to think.

We learn and grow from relationships. Learning isn’t easy. We learn when things are not easy. This situation is giving me opportunity to learn about myself, about him and about us as a couple. That’s the normal part of a developing relationship. I just need to keep going. Whether this is the end or a crack in the plate (read my previous posts to understand this reference), maybe it is happening so I can learn from it. To calm down, refocus, prioritise myself again.

All I know is, nothing else seems to be working consistently so this is worth a shot. And whatever the reason for his behaviour, I still love

Boyfriend advice.

I don’t care what job you have. As long as you have one and take pride in what you do.

I don’t care how much money you earn. Just be careful with how much you spend.

I don’t care about your qualifications. Pieces of paper do not truly show a person’s intelligence or wit. It’s shown in their ability to listen and communicate and their willingness to keep learning. It’s shown in their tolerance and respect of diversity.

I don’t care what car you have. They all have four wheels and an engine. Keep it clean and safe and take me places and I will be happy. Oh. And make sure you can afford it.

I don’t care if you find other women attractive. Other women are attractive and most are more attractive than me. I know that, so you don’t need to tell me that they are – I just need to feel like you want me, regardless of that and that you will always be faithful and loyal.

I don’t need you to tell me I’m beautiful every day. Tell me when you notice things – remember to mention, now and again, when you like my smile, or my hair or how I’ve dressed. Those little moments add up to a lot. If I’ve put effort in to look nice, you need to put effort in to tell me you’ve noticed.

I don’t need you to like my family and friends. Just respect that I do, and be polite and courteous to them. If I want us to spend time with them sometimes, do it to make me happy. Because it will.

I don’t care if you don’t wear designer clothes. Just be clean and dress up when the occasion requires it. I will always tell you when you look good.

I don’t need expensive gifts to feel loved. I can buy things myself. A small thing that shows a lot of thought is much, much more important to me. The thought really does count.

I don’t care if you don’t go to the gym regularly. If you enjoy going, go. If you need to work out to be healthy, great. I don’t care about ripped muscles, six packs etc. Just look after yourself and encourage me to do the same.

I don’t care about going to fancy restaurants, hotels etc etc. Those places mean much more when they are for special occasions. Just be with me, focus on me – look at me when we talk, not your phone or the TV. Hold my hand when we go for walks. Give me a kiss when you walk past me. Ask me how my day has been and care about the answer. Cook with me, clean with me. Watch films that we both like – ask me to watch something with you. Suggest places we can travel together – I just want to experience life with you, from the boring to the spectacular.

I don’t need you to spend every moment with me. I like that you have a life and interests outside of me. Just make sure you keep me involved by telling me all about them – I want to share your happiness. And let me know you miss me when I’m not around.

I don’t need to orgasm every time we have sex. I can feel pleasure without an orgasm. I do need foreplay though. Every time. Focus on that instead. Make me feel like you want sex because of me. That you want me. If you do that, I will probably orgasm most times anyway.

Tell me, show me, that you love me, every single day. Forgive me when I’ve done wrong and I’m sorry – you don’t need to punish me as I will do that myself. Every day, make me feel like I’m yours, that I belong with you, and I will be faithful and loyal and loving for the rest of our lives together.

Still learning

So, I am fully aware that this post makes me look like an anxious freak. Sharing my inner dialogue is perhaps risky. But if this helps anyone else in the same situation stop these ridiculous thoughts then, it’s all good.

It’s Sunday. He doesn’t have to get up today so I will send my morning message a little later. Not too late though – remember that first weekend of Ramadan when you didn’t send your morning message on the Sunday so he could have a sleep in? And then he called you panicking there was something wrong? You know he likes routine. Routine is good in LDR.

So 10.30am. 30-45 minutes later than usual. It’s only half 9 there though so he’s unlikely to call until later, not 10.30-11 like usual. Give me chance to finish my make up etc.

11.00am.

So, no contact yet. That’s to be expected. You expected that. So, those anxious feelings can just do one. Not needed yet. Keep cleaning.

11.05am

Yes. But he was really quiet last night.

Because he was tired!! You know that. Stop it.

11.20am

You can stop looking at the clock too. It’s only 10.20 there. He sometimes has a lie in until gone 11. And if he chooses not to message you straight away, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! It doesn’t mean he’s talking to other people (girls) first, and even if he does, that’s his choice! Stop making problems where there aren’t any! He will make contact he always does – and that’s what you love about him. Stop stressing, stop obsessing and get a grip.

11.30am

Stop it….

11.40am

❤️ He’s calling. See… You knew he would.

Awwww. He has literally just woke up. It’s dark: he hasn’t even opened the curtains. He’s sleepy and delicious. The first thing he did when he woke is call you. What more do you possibly need?

Patience and understanding

My mood is very much like the weather at the moment. Beautiful blue sky meet dark clouds.

I’m terms of the amount of contact yesterday, Wild Card called me as normal (apart from the late call in the morning). Our videochats lasted as long as normal. He however, is still not.

I think to myself: he would not call and stay on the phone unless he wanted to see me and be with me. He has no need to prolong this relationship if unhappy. There is no shortage of women interested in him. I try to stay positive and jovial even. Whatever his problem is, I don’t want to add to it anymore. He said I’ve done nothing wrong and it isn’t me, so I have to believe him.

Last night’s last call was a little more typical. He actually cracked some jokes and made me laugh for a while. I actually felt quite emotional… Like he was coming back to me.

But the affection is still missing from his calls. I don’t know if he’s just not feeling it, or he’s trying to prove a point. (And irrational brain wonders if he has met someone else or he’s trying to pull away but we are ignoring irrational brain at the moment.)

In the end, who knows? Only him. There’s nothing I can do but trust he will tell me if I have annoyed him, which he usually does, and try to be supportive and positive.

Last night I tried to research Ramadan and its effects a little more and there is evidence that it affects mood and behaviour. He’s definitely not his cheery self but as he is still making contact, I have to believe that is what it is.

Today he has called as normal – on the way to work and on the way home and as he shopped. Parts of our conversation almost felt like normal. I also spoke to his mother again – he would not have me in the car with her, or speaking to her, if he was pulling away from our relationship.

So, patience, understanding and logical thinking is the order of the day.

Intensity and Finding balance. Or not.

Time for a Wild Card update. ❤️

As you can probably see, whilst the daily discover prompts were an attempt to diversify my writing a little, many of them still end up being about him… Sorry about that.

Truth is, this relationship is consuming me. I’ve never felt like this before, for so long anyway. Everyone gets that intensity at the beginning of a relationship, I get that. But I’ve know him now for six months. And for about five and a half of those we have video chatted every single day. And for the majority of those days, it’s for hours (culminatively).

So, yes, it’s intense.

Since lockdown started here, we have adapted into a new routine of sorts. There’s still the morning text message – usually from me now as I am up first due to the daylight saving changes. This is often followed up by him with a videochat – I am in the car with him as he goes to work or we have a chat as he lies in bed having just woken.

Most days, I’m also with him as he drives back home and goes to the shop or when he gets home and is sanitising everything. I quite enjoy being propped up on the bathroom mirror, watching him wash. 😁

We will then part ways whilst he eats or rests etc. Within three hours there is another videochat and then usually one more when he is having tea with me propped up at the dinner table as he eats/drinks with his family.

All the time in between I’m thinking about him. Yes, really. As the hours pass by, I get more tense until he calls (usually) or I cave and call him. Yesterday for example, I called. He laughed and said “You missing me, or what?” and then said that he wanted to call me but I got there first.

No, there’s not much to talk about. There’s the usual catching up of ‘news’ which as you can imagine, never takes long. There’s always a bit of joking and teasing on his part and laughing/ mock sulking on mine. Sometimes I am with him as he listens to music or when he goes on to his roof terrace to watch the sunset. Sometimes I am just there and we don’t talk. And I don’t care. I just want to be with him and I’m guessing, as he is mainly the one to call me, that it is the same with him.

The LDR advice I’ve read has always been to ensure you carry on with your own life and try not to let the relationship dominate. Erm, I think we are both finding that hard, I’m not sure why. Is it just the situation? Is it the intensity of our feelings? Is it because this is still a new relationship? As this is my first LDR and pandemic 😳, I have no point of reference. Finding balance is difficult, no matter what though. I just want to be with him.

Sure, life still goes on. I’m still doing housework and feeding my children. I’m doing school work. I’ve even done some gardening and extra cleaning etc. I speak with loved ones on the phone. But he is always present in my thoughts.

We still have ups and downs, but mostly ups. It’s hardly surprising with the amount of time we are together (would I be on the phone to him everyday for 3-4 hours after six months if he was English? I very much doubt it.) and the fact that we are going through this vile corona situation. And, yes, we are still getting to know one another.

Our main issues are the same although we are getting much better at discussing them – insecurity and jealousy.

I still have moments of doubt. I can’t believe that he is interested in me. I know he loves me, I feel it. But what if I love him more than he loves me? What if I think this relationship is more serious/connected than he does?

My darkest thoughts, when I allow them to surface, are one of the following: 1) I was wrong all along and he is just after a marriage visa. 2) He’s just playing me and has a number of girls on the go. 3) He does love me but will find someone else as he doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. 4) Coronavirus is going to make this too difficult and he will just give up and marry someone locally.

Believe me, if I allow myself to, I can find/twist untold amount of evidence to prove all three.

But I can also find evidence to the contrary:

  • He calls and texts repeatedly, every single day. He has no time for anyone else, at least to the extent he calls me.
  • Daily, I am with him when he is with his family. Culturally, that is very significant.
  • He tells me he loves me, every single day. He sends me e-cards, videos and memes at important points.
  • He spends a significant amount of time every day just making me laugh and smile. He is daft and silly. Just for me.
  • Almost without thinking, he talks about when I next visit, like it is a given.
  • He’s there for me when I need him. He cares. He won’t end a call unless he knows I am happy.
  • He puts up with my insecurity and jealousy. He talks me through my bizarre thinking. Only sometimes does he get frustrated.
  • He gets jealous and insecure himself.

So, that’s where we are up to. I’m in love. Seriously in love. And every day I hope he feels the same way.

Magic – 25th April 2020 (daily prompt)

Magic exists.
Magic is love.
Love has the power
to transform,
to appear
And disappear.
Love has the power
to create life
and even
to take it
away.
Love can break and make
a heart.
Love has the power
to add sparkle
in the eyes of
those who are loved.
Love inspires
belief in the
possible.
It feeds hope
And cures
Sadness.
Love creates power
and energy,
stronger than
any other force.
Yes, love is magic,
And magic, is
Love.

Choosing and learning

I’ve really been enjoying writing the discover prompts. They’re challenging my creativity, making me think.

Bring honest, I could relate every single one of them to Wild Card. But I wanted to divert my mind from the fact that I wasn’t with him when I should have been, by doing something creative.

It has been a weird week.

Wild Card is struggling with the strict quarantine rules that his country has imposed. He’s been in quarantine longer than me too. He’s bored, he’s anxious and I’m helpless. Of course, this activated my barely controlled anxiety….

He assured me it wasn’t me and talked to me about how he was feeling. Whilst frustrated that I couldn’t help, I think we both felt better that he had shared. I’m not as worried now when he is quiet or when the call is short – I’m pretty poor as a distraction. Quarantine does not give you much news to discuss.

We’ve had a few bumps in the road this week. I could lay the blame on a number of things… His mood, my period, both frustrated about my cancelled trip, boredom, sexual frustration, his joking, my insecurity… Or maybe this is just where we are now, five and a half months in to our relationship.

The first major bump he dealt with by confirming his love for me. He explained his love, gave evidence after evidence of how he loves me. All he wants is for me to be smiling and laughing. He kept saying, ‘I don’t know what’s in your head’, which to me signals his frustration. He feels he is doing all he can to prove his love. And you know what, I actually agree. He did acknowledge though that some of his joking may have triggered my little outburst. We both apologised and moved on.

Unfortunately, the next day brought round two. This time, it was a language barrier -created misunderstanding. But, I think as part of the hangover from the day before, he was really frustrated. I asked him if he wanted me to go and his muffled ‘no’ meant that we stayed online until my phone died. Again, we both apologised, expressed our love and went to sleep.

The next morning, yesterday, I was pretty worked up though. Whilst I could apportion the blame to both of us over the past few days, I was well aware that my insecurities were biting us on the ass. Again.

So, when I got my good morning text I called him – not video – and we talked it out. I’ve read that the best time to have an ‘argument/discussion’ etc is when you have prepared for it… when you’re both calm and thinking straight. So, a little fearful this was going to start round three, I took the plunge.

It was a really, really good conversation. I acknowledged and apologised for my constant need for reassurance and he told me that he doesn’t mind it, if that’s what I need. I told him that my insecurity was probably my biggest flaw. He told me about his mind state at the moment and reassured me that it was nothing to do with me and apologised if it had concerned me. He told me that he has absolutely no problems with me and our relationship at all but thinks that I have, even though there aren’t any. That was a stark comment.

The biggest ‘issue’, if you can call it that, is that I cannot hide anything from him. He knows me so much better than anyone else in such a short time. No matter how I try to hide my worries, thoughts… How I may try to swerve conversations that I’m not ready for, he knows me and knows I’m doing it. This in turn makes him anxious because he worries about what I’m thinking.

So, what I’m saying- what I have realised- is that I’ve found someone that understands me, knows me like no other. That our relationship will have to be built on 100% honesty and truthfulness because we both know when it isn’t. And that is really, really, exciting.

The conversation ended with us both feeling like we had overcome the issues. We had discussed, been open, and worked out the problem, together. We had acknowledged our own faults in this situation. We had found a solution, together.

You would think, having had serious relationships and even being older than him, that I would know what I’m doing. I don’t. He is so different from anyone I have ever been with.

I’ve realised that relationships are very much a learning curve. At the beginning, you hide so much of yourself, give just a little – just enough – to keep the other person interested. But as time goes on, you relax more, show more of yourself. As a couple then, you learn about each other and navigate through the intricacies of each others personality. Some things are a match and the discovery of that brings you closer together. But some things aren’t.

For some, those discoveries, those mismatches, are enough to end the relationship. You’re not compatible. For others, you learn how to deal with, accept, manage those differences. You both shift a little… Realign yourselves, together, and that makes you stronger as a couple.

My internal shifting has been to realise that I can’t manage this relationship like I did my marriage. They’re two different people. I can’t hide anything from Wild Card and neither should I want to or have to. When we have a problem, we talk it out together which is a galaxy apart from what happened in my marriage.

Yesterday I learnt about myself and about us. And I made a decision. I’m choosing to be with him, to love him, to go on this journey with him. So, therefore, I choose to trust him. I choose to believe that he loves me as he says and wants me as he says. Because the only person doubting that is me, with very little evidence. I chose to let go of my jealousy and it helped. I’m now choosing to let go of my insecurity. I’m choosing to show him my true self because he knows who that is anyway. He knows me, loves me for me, so what the hell am I

So, yes, it has been a really weird week. But our relationship has come out of it stronger than ever.

Light – 12th April, 2020 (daily prompt)

‘You found the light in me that I couldn’t find’

I’ll always remember you this way, Lady Gaga

“I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re like a one woman [Wild Card] champion.” (friend)

“You look, really, really happy.” (sister)

“You know, I’ve noticed lately that you seem really happy. You’re smiling. It’s lovely to see.” (work colleague)

“You look so comfortable with each other, like you’ve been together for years.” (friend)

“You look so happy. I’m really pleased for you.” (mum)

“It’s good to see a smile on your face. Even if your phone is never out of your hand.” (Aunty)

Friend

“Mum, I’ve never heard you laugh so much. I mean, I can hear you laughing from my bedroom.” (daughter)

Pairs – 9th April, 2020 (daily prompt)

Six months ago, I was single. I had been single for three years. I had been unhappily married for many years before that. Not to a bad man, just the wrong man.

When I split from my husband in 2016, I had no intention of finding someone else any time soon. I grieved the failure of my marriage even though I had wanted it to end for some time. And then, my Dad was sick so the focus was on him.

Occasionally I thought I might be ready. It never lasted long. I would dally with online dating or chatting but would quickly get bored or recognise signs in myself that I wasn’t ready.

At the end of October last year, I decided that I would try dating again. I was ready. But I decided that rather than focus on finding a long term commitment, I would just happily enjoy communicating, flirting and dating. No pressure, no rush.

I was surprised at the amount of attention I received. Sure, some I wasn’t interested in. Some were just after one thing. But I was enjoying myself, taking my time. A couple I really began to enjoy talking to.

And then Wild Card came along. I’d joined Facebook a few weeks before as my friend had recommended it as a good way to chat to people, men and women, and to build my confidence. She felt it was a secure way to talk/flirt with men as they often lived too far away for them ever to be more than online flirtations. Boy, was she wrong.

I said I’d give it a try. I joined a few groups that I was interested in, and that was enough. And then Wild Card sent me a friend request.

When I looked at his profile, my immediate reaction was that he was very attractive. And he was single, so possibly a bit of flirting material? Why not, I thought, and accepted his friend request.

And then he messaged me. And we started to chat online. And then he wanted to videochat. I was reluctant at first, shy, but soon gave in. He was funny and attractive. I enjoyed talking to him. But I quickly decided that was all it would ever be. He was a distraction, a bit of fun away from some of the other men I was in contact with.

But, the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. Soon I liked him as much as an online date I was in regular contact with. And then, I liked him more.

And now, now we are a couple, a pair.

I have no doubts that I am in a relationship with him. I recently let go of my fears and jealousy and have felt all the better for it. It has helped me see all the ways that he shows me, every day, that he loves me. Maybe not the way I expect or even want. But he really does show me.

Except for today. Today, my 40th birthday, he has told me by creating a beautiful and heartfelt video of our pictures, videos and memes set to poignant music. He tells me he loves me, that he loves every moment. That he wants to be with me.

I am in a relationship. I’m one half of a pair. And six months ago, I would never have seen this coming.