Falling

It’s been five days since my last update on Second. Maybe that says something.

When I last posted about him, he had called me on sunday after dropping his kids off. We had three, long conversations on the phone and it felt like things had gone back to normal. He told me that he would call me on Tuesday as he drove to his parents’ house – a long drive by all accounts.

He surprised me though by texting once he had landed on Monday evening and then by a phonecall as he had paused for a break from his driving. However, when my son interrupted the call he apologised saying he had forgotten that I would have my children. I said it didn’t matter – my daughter was in the room and knew I was on the phone to him – so we spoke for a few more minutes before I said I should let him go then.

“Oh, OK then.” He said it with surprise, like he would have carried on talking. I was so confused! I couldn’t back track so we ended the call.

He didn’t call Tuesday as he had originally suggested he would, but at 10pm when it had turned into Christmas Day where he was, I sent him a voice message wishing him Merry Christmas and hoped he had a lovely time with his family.

Nearly two hours later he replied saying thank you, he was tired after long journeys and busy days and that he would message me the next day.

Which he did. I got a Merry Christmas in the morning and a photo of him and his Dad. I wished him a good day and then there was radio silence… Until I sent him a photo of myself – to return the favour of course – once I had put make up on and done my hair. He saw it but didn’t respond for another five hours. (Yes you read right) He complimented my hair, asked about my day and had I had a good time etc. Shortly after he said he was going to bed.

The next day was my walk with my friend and as I thought one of her gifts was funny and pertinent to a conversation I’d had with him, I decided to send him a picture of it. He replied, short and sweet, but fine.

Again, hours later he sent me a sweet little Christmas video. I sent him some pictures of my walk. He sent me pictures of what he was doing. Chit chat, and then silence.

Four hours after that he sent me a text saying he was sat outside looking at the stars. He then told me he was lonely. I asked a few questions: Asked if he was alright, but he said he was and he was with his uncle. I told him I was always there if he wanted to talk and he thanked me and said he just missed someone to cuddle. I sent him loads of cuddle emojis and he asked about my joke present then went quiet again.

An hour and half later and at 1am where he was, he sent a text asking if I was still awake. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it until 10 minutes after he’d sent it and although I replied, I knew he was probably asleep. Turns out he was.

This morning when I woke I checked my phone and he had just been online. He’d seen my reply but hadn’t bothered to text me back. I waited an hour and a half then sent a simple ‘are you OK?’ He replied quickly, saying yes, asked how I was and said he’d fallen asleep before I had replied. I said I’d guessed as much. Nothing since.

Yes, yes, I know, he said he would be really busy. He must have told me five times. And he has messaged me. But the hard thing is, whilst I knew he would not be messaging me all the time, I didn’t expect the delays in replying particularly when he has already read the message or the fact that at times he has been online but not messaged me. It’s stinging, I will admit it.

I’m trying to do as I promised. I’m texting less so that he can be with his family. I’ve touched base a couple of times. And I do miss talking to him. I’m surprised at how much.

I have a feeling he was probably a little drunk last night. Part of me is touched that he reached out to me when he felt lonely and that I was the last person he messaged before he fell asleep. But… Part of me wonders if that is all I am to him. A distraction when he needs one.

My feelings are falling away. I hate not knowing where I stand and as I over analyse everything and have the self esteem of a hedgehog, this few weeks are not doing me good.

I wonder whether this is contributing to my growing feelings for Wild Card – ever there, ever attentive. Equally though, it’s adding to my fear factor – a few weeks ago I liked them pretty equally and selfishly wanted both (for now) to act as a buffer to the rejection I was sure I would get from one at some point.

I don’t know what to make of it. He’s doing what he said he would. I’m falling for Wild Card. What’s my problem? Is it my ego? My self esteem? Fear?

All I know for sure, is that it’s just making me a little sad, that’s all.

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Sweetness

I admit it, I’ve spent most of the evening crying. I’m much calmer now.

I haven’t fully processed everything and I have some decisions to make. But I’m going to sleep on it.

Wild Card was instrumental in calming me down. Intentionally too.

He called me early evening. Despite taking the phone to a darkened room in an attempt to hide my tear stained face, he knew straight away that I was upset. Of course he asked why. Not easy to explain to someone with English as their third language.

It meant that I had to simply it, and in doing so he made an interesting observation. If your sister wants to spend Christmas with your other sister, where is the problem? Why don’t you spend Christmas with one of your sisters too? He then made a slightly disparaging comment about Christmas, but only in the sense that we make so much of it when it’s the simplicity that is important.

It is not up to me to decide who my little sister shares Christmas Day with. It still hurts – a lot – but I’ve also realised that I am a victim of my own success. I work hard to be the ‘big sister’, to be there for them when my parents cannot. I protect them from my own feelings. They both genuinely believed that I wanted to be alone. I can’t really blame her for that, can I?

I’m still hurt. I’m still lonely. But my goodness, did Wild Card pull out the stops. By the end of the call I had been laughing for half of it. He ended it by repeatedly asking if I was OK, and was I going to cry again, no? was I sure? … So sweet. ☺️ My instantaneous anxiety at the end of the call – had I been too miserable, my face looked awful etc etc – was resolved by seeing we’d been on the phone for 50 minutes. No one would spend that much time trying to cheer a girl up whom they didn’t like.

His time and attention and simplicity of thought had calmed me down sufficiently to think again. Second helped too but not as explicitly.

He dropped his kids off at 5pm and called me on the way home. As expected, his text communications over the weekend had been understandably sparse but to call as he was driving home was sweet. My voice was thick with emotion, but luckily I could pass this off as my cold reasonably well. He told me he would call again once he got home.

And he did. This time, ironically thanks to Wild Card, I was calmer and he said immediately that I sounded better. I admitted that I had been upset earlier due to a disagreement with my sister. He didn’t ask about it or talk about it. But we talked for an hour whilst he packed his bags for his early morning flight to his homeland tomorrow.

The conversation felt like we had picked up where we left off. He was humorous, occasionally flirty and reminded me that there are only three weeks til we meet. Hearing him talk about his friends and family showed a sweeter side to him. I believe he is genuinely a nice guy.

Something has shifted though. Whilst he surprised me about talking of our promised date, I am not as excited as I was. I think as I sense the emotional unavailability of him, I’ve become less emotionally available for him. There is definitely emotional baggage regarding his ex.

He mentioned again his inability to communicate as much when away. I, again, reassured him and added that I wouldn’t text as much either as I would not want to interfere with his trip. He’s told me that he will call when he can, and has said he will on Tuesday when he is driving again.

Have I moved him into friendship zone unknowingly? I do care about him and want to meet him but the intensity has shifted somewhat. I still wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t meet. I can’t even say how I’d feel if we didn’t.

The lovely Naomi (her blog is amazing!) is right. I’ve fallen for Wild Card. Ridiculously stupid and a sure fire way of getting hurt, I know. But three video chats a day, laughter and sweetness will do that to a girl.

5.55am

I woke up at 5.30am this morning, again. Not sure why. I’m getting between 5 and 6 hours sleep a night. There are bags under my eyes. I’m hoping that when school closes in one week I will be more inclined to sleep in.

Yesterday morning at 9am I got a response from Second.

‘Good morning, sorry I didn’t say goodnight last night’

He got a gold star for that one. I’d have been happy with ‘good morning’. Although, saying that, after the ‘we are not serious ‘ performance, I have discovered my feelings have retreated back behind the self preservation barrier.

Once his children went back to their mother mid afternoon, he was very attentive as usual. I got a phonecall and a video call.

I’m still not sure he is emotionally available. Despite this renewed attention, he reminded me again that when he goes home in just over a week’s time, he will be quieter. I acknowledged that again with understanding.

The proof will still be in whether we meet on the 17th as planned. There’s been no mention of that this week. He’s got another four nights child free so, again, I think I will know better by Friday.

Wild Card on the other hand, well he is being as attentive as ever. Perhaps more so, even. More recently, his video calls have come at times when he is with his family. Yesterday, he had taken them all out on a drive to a town about an hour away for a walk. He video called me and took me with them for ten minutes, showing me the beautiful streets. That was cute.

I’m more certain than ever that he does like me. Those red flags, previously discussed, are still there. But I am aware of them now and will continue to play this slowly.

I feel less guilty following Second’s, ‘if you meet a nice guy then it’s fair game ‘ comment. Although twice yesterday when I was on the phone to him, Wild Card called. The first time I ended the call – at his suggestion – to answer Wild Card. The second time I didn’t. They’ve never crossed over so much as this and it was not an easy situation.

Whose call more important?

Second’s insecurity-inspiring behaviour this weekend has made me more cautious around him. Time will tell I suppose.

I do know that I’m not comfortable with this going on much longer but I figure mid January will be the decision deadline.

Paranoia and insecurity

For the first time in two months, Second has not said goodnight to me. My message has sat, unanswered and unread. He’d been on WhatsApp 3 minutes before I sent it, but not talking to me.

Let me take you back a few days. Six days ago, I wrote about our first proper video chat as he has arrived back on British soil following his six weeks at sea:

https://startingfromthemiddleblog.wordpress.com/2019/12/09/moving-into-first/

I ended that post by saying with the right conditions, ‘I could fall hard for this man.’

Conditions are not looking favourable at present.

During our pretty amazing video chat last Sunday, I had mentioned that I had a busy week at work, particularly with after school events, and that on Friday I had my work’s Christmas party. He always seems quite happy when I go out: asks for photos once I’ve got ready and likes my slightly tipsy messages, including a voice message which he said was ‘sexy’. What, me??

During the chat on Sunday and whilst taking about the party, he said that I ‘might find a hot young male teacher there’. Shocked and surprised, and remembering I am on video chat I said ‘really?! Is that what you want me to do?’

He stuttered and went red at this point, quietly said ‘I wasn’t serious’ and quickly changed the subject. Apart from that, the video call was amazing.

Monday was a big day for him. Following some legal issues, he was going to find out whether he had actually bought his house or not.

By the evening, he had his keys. This week then, he has been busy trying to buy and move furniture. I know this, I know how stressful this is.

We’ve still messaged every day and I actually spoke with him on the phone on Wednesday. All good. Sure, the chat has felt a little different and not as long but there is a good reason for that, isn’t there? There were a few jokes about the ‘hot young teacher ‘ from both of us, but I tried not to contemplate what this might mean. We had a really sexy chat on Thursday night, taking about our future date. Again, all good but earlier in the evening I was aware that he wasn’t just talking to me from the delay in replies although he was online.

Friday morning… Nothing. I messaged him in the day, hoping he was OK and that his house shopping was going well: that night he would have his daughters over for the first time in his new home. He was busy getting last bits ready. No request for pictures that night, though I recognised that he had more important things on his mind.

As the night went on there were some messages sent, some of which he initiated. I sent him some pictures of myself but he didn’t acknowledge. He sent me some pictures of his home.

Then he asked me how I was getting on with the ‘young male teacher’. So, baring in mind that I’d had a few drinks by now and that I often wear my insecurities round my neck like a cape, I started to worry.

Why does he keep mentioning that?

Is he joking?

Is he insecure himself and trying to work out if he’s the only one?

Is he trying to hint that he has met someone else or wants to and I need to move on?

I told him there was no make teacher and he said, ‘Awww’. What the??

I told him that if I had, the teacher would have been pretty fed up as I had messaged him all night.

‘Maybe he will be nice like me and understand that you need to.’ What?

The conversation ended pretty soon after that as he was going to bed.

So, with a drink person’s truth, I told him that he was really confusing me but wished him goodnight. He didn’t respond again that night.

But he did the next morning.

I woke to a ‘good morning’ and an inquiry about my night. He then asked what I was confused about.

Having already read back the proceeding night’s messages, I decided to avoid the latter question. I asked him about how his girls had enjoyed the first night in his home.

Before long though, he asked about my confusion again. Oh hell. There was no avoiding it a second time.

I said that the meeting another man confused me because I wasn’t sure what he meant by it. I said that I understood he may be talking to other women but that I wasnt going to encourage that.

He told me that I needed to learn that he had a wicked sense of humour. I replied,

‘so you were joking then? It’s hard to tell over text.’

He told me that he was not telling me to move on, but that if I was to meet a nice guy then that’s fair enough. It was all ‘fair game’.

My head was spinning here, and it wasn’t just the hangover. Anyone who dates online acknowledges that the other person will have more than one on the go. Isn’t that the point at first? And deep down, if he met someone else, I would be happy for him in as much as I would be gutted for me. But I’m not going to openly encourage other people!

So… He tells me he finds me attractive, sexy, funny, lovely, special and that he wants to meet.. We’ve talked repeatedly each day for two months, even down to him questioning how quiet I’ve been if I don’t text first in the morning…. But it’s OK Ustome, feel free to date other people, just in case. Who does that? Sure, accept that it may be happening, but to openly encourage that?

My insecurity was sky high at this point.

‘But you still want to meet? Or am I just someone online until you meet a nice woman?’

In hindsight, I see how incendiary that was. I just needed to know.

He said ‘of course’ he wanted to meet and that ‘I was being paranoid’

I said I wasn’t and that I was just confused. I said that I understood now. I then questioned the distance and said I was still fine with it and was he?

I probably asked for this next response:

Did I ask for that?

The conversation ended ok. There were messages on and off throughout the day, initiated by both of us. I sent him a picture of myself in a Father Christmas and he responded in a typical, positive way. Maybe it was just me being insecure and paranoid.

At around ten pm, having not heard from him in a couple of hours (which was unusual) I asked him if he’d had a good day with his girls.

He replied that he had and that he was watching a film with them. When I said that I wouldn’t interrupt then, he said ‘no, it’s okay, how was your day’.

A few more messages exchanged and he sent me a picture of himself with a glass of wine as we had both admitted we were having one. I responded as I should.

Then nothing again.

Like the crazy, insecure woman I have become, I periodically went on WhatsApp and saw he’d been online a few times since but hadnt messaged me.

He was last on at 11.11. I messaged goodnight at 11.15. Nothing. It’s the first time in weeks that he hasn’t said goodnight.

After half an hour of WhatsApp watching, I knew he wasn’t going to respond and was probably in bed.

My anxiety was through the roof.

Yes I know, maybe he’d had a busy day, had a couple of glasses of wine in front of the fire and had gone to bed.

Maybe he has someone else.

Maybe he was checking his phone as much as me.

Either way, it stung.

I read the following post last night from one of my favourite dating bloggers :

https://wp.me/p5vuqV-8f9

It hit home for me too. Having spoken about the impact of getting his first home and how this has made him reflect on his divorce, I suspect that he hasn’t been emotionally available this week which is why I’ve sensed some changes.

Fact is, without the ‘get a young male teacher’ debacle, I would have just put the changes down to the stressful week he has had.

I don’t know how to proceed now. Back off and give him space? Won’t that just give him the invitation to move on?

Carry on being myself and hope that he won’t find me clingy?

What hurts, I think, was that there was no hint that he was taking to two people when he was at sea. The amount of time we were occupied in texting meant that it was impossible. Ironically, things have changed since he got home which would suggest that if he does have someone new, it’s a new thing. That’s what stings. He is still deleted off Bumble, because I checked. Doesn’t mean he is not on something else.

All I can do is wait and see. Maybe he’s not emotionally available. Maybe he is the right person but wrong time. Maybe I’ve scared him off. Or I am paranoid.

I know I’m being a hypocrite.

*********

I’ve slept on this post.

We will see today. He could message me this morning. He has his kids until tonight I think, and there was talk of another video chat/phonecall.

I don’t know how to respond, what to do.

My self esteem is so low that I’m expecting him to leave. I always have.

Up until this week, things have been great. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I suppose it’s over to him.

Raising the red flags.

Whilst I’d been relatively happy with Wild Card’s apology, explanation and discussion following his jealous outburst on Saturday, comments left by some of you did hit home. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about it and I’ve decided that for every slushy thing I write, I’m going to temper it with a reality check which will be written in brackets.

He continues to video chat each day. (of course he does, he wants you captivated – doesn’t he?) Sunday, he was really sweet and I again felt we had a good conversation (he’s making up for his jealous outburst on Saturday).

Yesterday was pretty interesting. We had brief texts in the morning and then again in the evening. I wasn’t myself – I’d started to put Christmas decorations up and had found some items which reminded me of my Dad. Next minute he was video-calling me. He was eating his dinner with his family – in the weeks I have known him, he has always ended a call before eats, naturally. (Did he think I was being off with him?)

He asked how I was, and then started to make me laugh. He asked me to say his name – apparently when I’m being indignant, as in when he is teasing me, I use a particular tone that he likes and finds funny. He kept asking me to do it.

He asked about the decorations and then asked again if I was OK. I explained about my Dad. We talked for a little longer, whilst he was attempting to eat. He again made me laugh and kept checking if I was OK and was I alright now, before eventually he went to finish his dinner. It was sweet. (what can I say that’s bad about that??)

****************************

I swear that man knows when I’m writing about him negatively.

He’s just called. Again, an enjoyable chat whilst he drank tea with his family. His mum wanted to see my Christmas decorations.

I just don’t know anymore. I’m second guessing/over analysing everything now. I may have been doing that all along, actually, but it feels worse now.

Why do I like him? Am I really that shallow that it is because of his looks? (my goodness he is delicious.) Is it because of the way he makes me laugh? Is it because of the way he makes me feel?

I can’t do this. I don’t believe all the negative things I’m writing but neither do I entirely trust all the positive.

My sister can’t understand how I can like both equally. She said ‘they’re so different’ so how can I feel the same?

I have no idea.

They are very different. But they both make me laugh, have both shown kindness. Have both been complimentary and constant. They both have things about them that make me feel insecure at times, but that’s as much me as them.

Moving into first

Yesterday I was pretty much in a permanent state of excitement. Second was due to fly home and we were going to have a video chat. To me, it felt like an impending date.

We have had two very short video chats up til now. The first was the night before he flew out for work and he surprised me – I wasn’t expecting the video call as we’d only chatted on the phone or messaged previously. The conversation had been short but good, yet I was shy too. It also didn’t help that my son had walked in as we were talking.

The second time was even shorter – he attempted to call me whilst on board his ship. The picture quality was awful so we soon gave up.

Yesterday’s promised video chat, once he was back on British soil, had built up into epic proportions.

He text me throughout the day – before leaving for the airport; waiting for his first flight, waiting for his second. For both of us, the texts were full of promise for what was to come. There may have been a little gentle teasing on his part in anticipation for my flushed face – however short the previous video chats had been, that had been pretty obvious both times.

It was going to be late before he finally landed in Scotland and reached his hotel, but he’d given me an estimate of ten o clock.

My house has never been so tidy. I was frenetic, desperate to burn off this anticipation and to pass the time.

Admittedly, at 9.30pm, I poured myself a gin, checked my make up and hair and then sat to listen to music.

He finally messaged just before ten to say he had landed and would get his bag and then a taxi and then would call.

I would say that was the longest hour of my life. He kept in touch but, as you would expect from a busy airport, he was delayed at each stage although he kept me updated.

Normally blushing, my face was flushed with the gin and the tension whilst I waited, and I fanned myself desperately in attempt to calm down .

If any of you were a fly on the wall, you no doubt would have laughed st my antics during that hour. At one point I actually feared that he wasn’t going to call at all as the time continued to drag.

And then, he was there. Yes, I blushed numerous times. He likes it apparently (I’m not so keen). The conversation was pretty much fluid. There were a few suggestive moments (which added to the blushes) but he was a gentleman and what’s more, he is as gorgeous as I thought he was. I could get lost in those eyes.

It’s still a month until our date but he said he would speak to me today. I can’t wait for either.

I started to engage with Wild Card all those weeks ago because I knew that I was getting attached to Second and needed the distraction.

Second has behaved impeccably in the two months I’ve known him. We’ve been in contact, at length, every single day, even to the extent of discussing things that had been worrying each other in our lives generally.

But even as I write all this, it doesn’t change the fact that he lives four hours away. Distance means absolutely nothing to him. He travels around the world for work. He seems to have friends all over the country and thinks nothing of driving to see them. But it means something to me and this is the one red flag that is keeping hold of my feelings and interest and encouraging me not to get too attached.

Given the right conditions, I could fall hard for this man.

Double trouble

I will admit it. I got myself into a right state yesterday.

By early evening I had barely heard from Wild Card. There had been one short message hours early, then nothing again.

I want to blame hormones, I really do, and in part they are to blame. I was over sensitive, emotional…

But when it got to dinner time and he had still not got into contact, I was anxious. Upset. I couldn’t eat. Still couldn’t concentrate.

I drafted a post on here, more as self therapy than anything else. I tried to look at the lessons I could learn from this. I couldn’t deal with the why, doubt still clouding my judgement. I’m normally good at reading people.

As I sat in front of the fire, music playing and feeling utterly sorry for myself, I decided to phone him myself. I would know then, once and for all. His uncharacteristic silence/sporadic texting would be explained either way and I could go cry into my pillow. (Yes, you read right 😔)

With my heart hammering in my chest, I pressed call. And waited and waited.

And just as I was beginning to lose hope, he answered.

He was clearly tired, half asleep, lights dimmed. He told me he had been travelling today for work and that he had missed me.

We had another great chat, filled with laughter and flirting. And there was no mistaking how he felt about me, I could see it in his eyes. There was a vulnerability about him at one point which was really cute.

Satisfied and sated that he had not disappeared and that there was an actual, genuine reason for his silence today, the video chat ended positively.

Within half an hour, Second had finished his shift and had messaged me.

Strangely, our text chat felt a little different also. I told you that he was guarded in his feelings usually, but since our ‘serious’ chat the other day he has been using terms of endearment and is more complimentary.

Again we laughed together, making each other laugh, and talked about what would happen when we meet. He finally asked me if I was seeing other people. I said no, which is true in a physical sense. I have still not been on any dates. I’m not talking to anyone other than him and Wild Card.

He sent me a photo of himself, taken right there and then, and I swooned. Best picture he had sent me. It was animated, happiness in his eyes, and was like our one and only video chat all those weeks ago. Wow.

What the hell am I doing? What am I going to do?

I realise that I do feel slightly different about them. Second makes me feel more secure even though a relationship with him would be more complicated than with Wild Card.

Wild Card makes me feel passionate. And there’s no doubt that I was grieving yesterday when I thought he had gone.

Double trouble. And I’m starting to feel like a double bitch. Again.

Thoughts anyone? Please be gentle with me.

Second the best

Definitely the best. So far anyway.

He’s five years younger than me, cute and funny. Conversation has been daily for weeks now and there have been multiple phonecalls and one video chat.

We matched on Bumble. Originally when we matched, it appeared that he was from a town about half an hour from me. It then turned out that he is actually from Scotland. A five hour drive.

In the spirit of enjoying the moment as it is, I’ve carried on talking to him. It helped that he also says that distance is not an issue for him, and from what I have learned about him I know that it is true. Not only is he happy to travel, he works on a six week on-six week off rota at sea.

This was appealing to me. With such a full life already, I felt I would be able to enjoy this person’s company when he was available, and manage to keep up with the forever-balancing needed in my own life when he wasnt.

Of course, it doesn’t work like that and I was being terribly naive.

What it has meant, is we probably would have had our first date by now but haven’t because he is in the middle of the sea. It means that the growing interest I have in him is coming from daily messages and the previous telephone chats we had. Dangerous territory.

The video chat helped in some ways. It happened the night before he was flying out to go back to work and was unexpected. I blushed the whole way through our very innocent conversation. Talking via video chat is very intense – unlike face to face conversation where naturally your eyes dart around when talking, on video chat you are pretty much staring in to a screen and therefore his face.

And what a very nice face it is too. On his profile there were a few photos I really liked and a few that were OK. Over video he looked amazing, very attractive. It goes to show that the spirit and animation in someone’s face is ultimately what we are attracted to.

So, where from here?

Due to his other commitments, I am unable to meet him until January and that feels like a long way off. I want to meet him and he wants to meet me.

My rather naive and perhaps nonchalant view of dating him is of course being challenged. I like this man.

I’m trying to stay grounded and in the moment. Despite the connection we feel, there is a chance we won’t meet and there is a chance that when we do, we won’t like each other. It happens.

But what I have learned from number two is that whatever my head my be saying, a part of me does want a meaningful connection to someone.

At the moment, I am managing to subdue some of my interest through my contact with other matches.

I’m trying to ignore the fact that I’m feeling guilty about these other matches.

Third

I’m missing out the second man, because he is the one I have more to say about. Much more.

Number three and i matched and I was excited: my age, attractive, single, no kids…

He is funny. He is lively and cheeky and we have a lot of fun.

In the first weekend, he was willing to drive the 40 minutes to meet me. This would have been my first date and whilst it was appealing, I just wasn’t ready. I felt like I hadn’t spoken to him enough.

For nearly two weeks, messages have been pretty much daily and although there have been other times when he had suggested to come down, often at late notice, I’ve realised that he is as nervous as I am because it never happens.

Slowly, the messaging is getting further apart. It’s kind of sad because I quite liked him and think meeting him would be a lot of fun.

What have I learned from him?

I’m not the only one who gets nervous.

Being on a dating app doesn’t mean that someone is ready to physically date – which is amazing to me.

Like the First, this man has been a real confidence boost. His communications have been friendly, caring and flirty. Sure, a little part of me is disappointed we have not met and probably won’t but his texts have helped me balance my emotions and excitement for others.

While he is still messaging me, I will message back. But I’m not holding out for any more than that, and that’s OK.

The first

The first man that I matched with helped me. He was older than me, seemingly divorced and was an engineer and an artist in his own time.

He was funny and flirty but, perhaps more importantly for me, he built up my self esteem. I wasn’t 100% sure about him as his availability is poor – which he acknowledged – but this is probably why I agreed to send him a full body picture to him. All my profile shots are shoulders up. He told me I was beautiful.

Sure, he could have been lying. But it was enough to give me some hope. We arranged a date which I was still unsure about, and when work meant that he wanted to rearrange the time at the last minute, I took the opportunity to let him know I would prefer to rearrange the whole thing.

What was strange is that the communication seemed to wane once we had spoken on the phone – a lovely conversation which showed we had common interests.

Either way, the match now appears to have dissolved on both our parts. He gave me confidence and I mentally thank him for that.