The purge part 2: Self-indulgence 

I feel emotionally bruised today. I have a head ache, which doesn’t help, but everything is an effort. 

Despite this, my head is a little clearer. 

I have put myself in this situation. He is probably out there somewhere with no idea of the torment that has been raging. 

Four years ago, it was me that walked away. Sure, he hadn’t committed or anything, but it was me who told him that I “couldn’t wait any longer” and so started Internet dating. It was me who got back with my ex-husband nine months later. It was me who got pregnant and had a third child. 

It was me who, on the handful of occasions we have met since then, has ‘played it cool.’ During our intimacy a few weeks ago, I kept pulling away and walking off. I kept pushing him off me, not wanting to succumb to my feelings for him. Scared that by being as intimate as two humans can be, I would sink again.  After our little intimacy – which he initiated – he did not call or text. Neither did I. Even when it turned out that he was having a tough time. 

And when I see him again after that I am apparently (from a bystander who knows me very well but had no idea who he was)  cold and distant. I don’t ask him how he is. I don’t ask him how things are going. I don’t welcome him and I don’t look pleased to see him. 

The truth of the matter is, he may not want me. He may not be interested in any more than what we have had. But, so wrapped up in protecting myself, I have played stupid games. 

My low self esteem and self hatred have made this situation ever more painful. It is me, not him, that has created this heartache. 

And so today, I will indulge myself in my self pity and woe. Tomorrow, I will continue on my journey to find a life that I am happy in. The only way I can positively  influence anyone’s feelings for me is to be myself: to be open and honest, caring and loving. That is who I am. One day, I may again come across someone who turns my world upside down. Next time, being together with that someone will be as easy as breathing- the way it is supposed to be. 

(Sorry about my sneaky way of adding another post about him. Things needed to be said.  ☺ )