Another month

So, I’m still mental. The doctor has given me another month off. I’ve been on Sertraline for approximately three weeks now and it will take 4-6 weeks for them to take full effect.

I’ve had some glimpses of me in the last couple of weeks. It feels like slipping on an old, favourite coat. It’s comfortable, reassuring, fits well. But I can’t keep it on all the time, unfortunately. I’m still having low days and I’m still getting anxiety. So despite my frustration over another month, the doctor is probably right. He said one day in the future I will look back and this will have just been a blip in my life, easily forgotten. Let’s hope so. That’s what I intend this to be. I’m giving my mind permission to heal at its own pace. After that, I expect to be in perfect working order until I get deliriously and deliciously crazy in my old age which is when I will not care that I am mental.

The good, the bad and the inbetween

Hope you have all had a lovely Christmas – I know I have. 😊

My sister and brother-in-law and my gorgeous nearly-two nephew came to stay for a few nights. We had such a great time and I have laughed so much. My sisters’ commented that they had not heard me laugh I’m such a long time and that it was good to see and hear. I definitely don’t laugh enough. We played board games, watched films and sampled flavoured gin. Such fun.

As expected from the increased medication (and Christmas!), I have put more weight on and am also suffering from water retention in my hands and feet, another side effect of Mirtazapine, the anti-depressant that I am taking.

No-one likes to put weight on, I know that. I’m not vain but I can’t tell you how much this is getting to me. My self-esteem is fragile at the best of times but it is at rock bottom at the moment. I am seriously considering going back to the doctors to get my medication changed. When I had postnatal depression in 2014, I took sertraline which worked well for the short time I was on it. The downside is that I won’t get the help with the insomnia but the way I see it, my feelings about my size are not helping my wellbeing so this has got to help. I’ve actually ordered new clothes as I know my work clothes aren’t going to fit. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Other than that, I am starting to feel better. I feel like the dark cloud is all around my head rather than encompassing all of me. I’m anxious about work but more about how I will face people than the work itself.

So, for the next few days I’m going to do some much needed housework and prepare for my son’s eleventh birthday on New Year’s Eve. Progress then – no more sitting in a stupor on the couch for me.