Jealousy, part one.

I’m told, because I’ve searched for it on Google, that jealousy is healthy in a relationship. It shows we care, apparently.

What isn’t healthy, is when we act on it and let our emotions overcome us and so we react in an ill-considered way.

Jealousy often comes from fear and low self esteem – the thought that the one we love will find someone better than us. They will forget us and move on.

It’s important to process your jealousy. What’s causing it? And I just don’t mean, what has your S.O said or done to create it but what were your thought processes in allowing it to breed and multiply. Just like a nasty virus.

I am well aware that my jealousy stems from my own insecurities. It comes from previously dodgy relationships. It comes from societal stigma about my weight and the belief that no one will love me if I am big.

Processesing that jealousy before acting upon it is important. Like the knowledge that whilst I’ve had four/five failed relationships, I’ve pretty much ended each one of them. Sure, I was treated like crap at various points through most of them, but it was me who pulled the final plug each time. They’ve all come back too. Or tried to. Not bad for a fat girl, eh?

I’ve managed to meet some very, very attractive men. Surprisingly so. OK, yes, it hasn’t lasted, but it happened in the first place! I’m not as ugly-average as I think I am.

No, meeting people hasn’t been an issue as such. They’re not queuing out the door or anything, but neither am I as wholly detestable as my mirror image suggests. I just have not managed to meet the right person.

What’s the right person? It used to be a scarily long list of attributes. Now, it’s more abstract than that. It’s evolved.

I will admit, I have a type. After some teasing by my sisters about this, I put it to the test. I found images of all the celebrities that I was attracted to. And well, yes, they were pretty similar. Even if they didn’t have the dark, hopefully curly hair and the athletically tall body I liked, there would always be some facial similarities. So, yes, I have a type. Don’t we all?

But, putting aethestics aside, my ‘wish list’ has developed over the years. And probably simplified whilst becoming more abstract and complex:

1) Attraction and sexually compatibile – someone who loves to give and receive physical contact. Holding my hand or stroking my hair will do just fine day-to-day, thank you. But I want to kiss until my mouth is burning the rest of the time.

2) Someone with the intelligence to stimulate my mind and inspire me. I don’t need him to have a raft of qualifications either.

3) We’ve got to laugh. A lot.

4) Trust, trust, trust.

5) Someone who loves me for who I am, insecurities, imperfections all.

6) This is a hard one to explain. Because at first I thought it existed. Then I decided that it was a fiigment of my literature soaked mind and it did not exist. Then I found out that it does it exist, because I have felt it: The sense that someone completes you. I know this directly contradicts my earlier points. But it’s like… Your soul is now complete yet your mind and body will improve and be stimulated because they are around.

I’ve talked before about my theory that the perfect person for you , and there is more than one, has to meet three sets of criteria. When we date and it fails, it usually because of an incompatiblity in at least one of the areas that cannot be overcome or accepted. Each failed relationship helps us refine and define each area: physical compatibility, mind/personality compatibility and soul compatibility.

The problem I have, is that I have met someone who meets all three. Really meets them. But I’m insecure and jealous, so is he. Oh, and he lives in another country. And, to add insult to injury, an World pandemic keeps us even further apart whilst filling us with fear and panic. Great.

So how do I attempt to deal with this? Today’s effort are in my next post.

A whole new world

Armed with my latest love theory and the knowledge that you can find love online, I have yet again embarked online.

What a difference a change in attitude can have.

I reflected on my current position. I am quite happy at the moment. My life is full with my children, family and friends. I have hobbies. I have work. Sure there are problems, but… I’m OK.

So a boyfriend is not essential. I’m not desperately looking for someone to complete me: more, to compliment my life. Sure. I want to find a meaningful connection. Someone who is compatable on each of the three levels. Yet, I’ve realised that fulfilment can also be found, albeit temporarily, from encounters which are only compatable on one or two. I’ve always believed people come into our lives for a reason. So, why not?

I’m not a promiscuous person. I’ve been single for three years and have not had intimacy, apart from the one kiss/night with Lost Soul.

I’ve been brought up in a world different to the one today. Therefore, I’ve also decided to modernise my thoughts around dating and social media and sex too.

Ultimately, I am who I am. I have certain views on how I want to be seen in this world but I acknowledge now that some of those views have come from social conditioning about my sexuality.

A series of one night stands will never be on the cards. It’s just not me. But I am more open to meeting someone with a physical connection, unencumbered by fear of what this says about me. If we want to be intimate, no matter what the relationship outcome, then I can make that decision and not worry about what people may think of me.

It’s all very well saying this. I’m having to remind myself of it frequently, more so when I meet someone I actually like. I’m trying to be more open in my preferences and, as I am not in a relationship, feel that having a number of men to talk to is helping my anxiety when one doesn’t work out. I’m pretty certain this is what most people do online anyway. When one disappears for a while and potentially for good, I keep thinking about what they have brought to my life in the short time they have been in it. And then, I move on.

I’m happier. Dare I say that? I haven’t had a date yet, but having good conversations and flirting has helped my confidence and ego. There are some men who keep saying they want to meet ‘soon’. Soon never arrives in these cases. So I enjoy it for what it is, acknowledge we will probably never meet, and gradually move on. I’m not rude about it, but I’m not chasing someone who doesn’t want to meet.

The difficult part is the sexualisation of conversation. Anyone who has dated online will know that it isn’t long before the ‘dick pic’ gets sent whether you want it or not. Then there are the constant demands for saucy pictures. It’s the world we live in now. But, I’m not doing anything I’m not comfortable with or which may have future ramifications. If they don’t like/respect that, well, clearly we do not have a cultural connection. Even so, I’m trying to be open minded.

In my next posts, I will let you know how I am getting on.