Grave

I’ve written a number of posts recently. They are currently sitting in the draft folder, that graveyard for the unpublished.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with them: they’re just incomplete. I write without a plan or even a clear process – diary-like, I write what is relevant at the time. Believe it or not, I am conscious of making mistakes (although I am aware I do) and will leave a post for checking and publishing later. This, clearly, often doesn’t happen. When I finally go back to the post it is no longer relevant so I don’t post it. Silly, really, as this matters only to me.

I’m sat on the 12.47pm train to London. I shouldn’t be.

The plan was to get the 18.47 train. But then life spun, as it often does I’ve realised, and my options changed.

On Sunday evening, my sister text me quite late at night, asking if I was awake. She called me, and let me know that my cousin was in hospital in a coma. He had collapsed whilst eating and they suspected a heart attack or stroke. His own father had died at a similar age of a heart attack. Unfortunately, many of my Dad’s siblings had heart issues, as did my dad.

I haven’t seen my cousin for a while. He is older than me and since Dad’s death, I see less and less of his family. This cousin used to visit my Dad regularly though – one or twice a fortnight – and was one of the few people who did. He had shown me kindness in the past, and whilst latterly had clearly been poisoned by my evil step-brother, I was sad about him.

I didn’t sleep well.

The next morning, I was informed that he had indeed died, not of a heart attack. It appears he had choked on his food. The ambulance did not arrive for 50 minutes.

I don’t know any more than this. My guess is that his wife had suspected the heart attack and maybe didn’t check. Or perhaps she was unable to help him. Either way, my heart ached for her and how she must feel now.

Yesterday I felt low, grave, morose. I drove to town to drop off my PCR test but there was no excitement. I got home, exhausted, and messaged my boss to let him know I was not great. He offered the rest of the week off and after much stressing and contemplating, I agreed.

At 10am this morning I changed my train ticket, hastily finished preparations, and here I am.

I still feel low. I should be excited, and there have been moments of that, but I’m not really.

As usual, I have put my own pressures and worries on to this trip before I even started. This situation has just added to it.

What I will say, is that his face has been the only thing to make me feel an ounce of happiness. He is like a sunbeam, breaking through my dark clouds.

I can’t wait to see him.

Train number one..

I’m on the train, on my way to London.

I actually wanted to write more last night but was so tired after the previous night’s poor sleep.

There was a real air of romance and excitement in last night’s brief contact with Wild Card. He kept sending little Valentines’ montages of us and was affectionate. And that little nervous giggle we both gave at the end. Butterflies in my stomach moment. His comments about my sisters show some of his feelings and when I tried to play along and said I didn’t like him either, he said he knows I like him because of my eyes. I told him his eyes show it too. Perhaps not as obviously and frequently as mine, mind.

This morning I text him as I was waiting for my train. I told him I was nervous and excited and he asked why. At the moment, it’s because I’m travelling alone for the first time so that’s what I told him. He was reassuring and told me not to worry. Obviously, I’m also nervous about meeting him only because of what I’ve already told you… I want him to like me, want me, and vice versa. He is saying he isn’t nervous but, who knows. I think he probably is.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s exciting. Even putting those overwhelming feelings for him and this situation to one side, I’m going on an adventure. I’m doing something with my life I never thought I would do… Looking outside the box, taking a risk, being brave. I’m travelling alone. In the depths of my depression I couldn’t even leave the house. I’ve come a long way.