Blue

As some of you have perhaps worked out, I’m not feeling too great at the moment.

My ‘pretend everything is ok’ generator has kicked in so I am still functioning each day. That’s a good thing I suppose.

But underneath that fake brightness is a swirling maelstrom of negativity, doubt, avoidance and confusion.

AVOIDANCE

I haven’t logged in to my work emails in two and a half weeks. Sure, there is no requirement to do so. The first week I consciously decided not to, to give myself a break. But as the days have slipped on, I’ve found I just don’t want to know. It’s just another thing to worry about – the academisation, my career….???!!!!.

I started the six weeks holiday with a plan to transform my house. Yeah, that lasted a week.

After a few months of lockdown frugality, my spending has increased somewhat. I need to get back in control before I start overspending. But I am avoiding doing it because …I just am. The situation is not helped by the following….

NEGATIVITY

My ex husband is well and truly pi#$ing me off. He has had some financial difficulties this past year, in part through bad luck and in part through his own actions. He has not given me any money towards the children in over a year. I pay for everything. I have also lent him money that I am not going to get back. His situation recently has become critical and he and his mother and now talking about how ‘he walked away from the marriage with nothing.’ First, this house was my childhood home. We bought it at a reduced cost from my parents. I have paid every mortgage payment since then. Second, he has contributed little to the household for the majority of out marriage – one of the many reason I divorced him. Third, I took on all our relationship debt when he left. He walked out of here with a clean slate. I reduced his child payments to help him afford a house. I helped him financially to get a house. I’ve paid for every birthday and Christmas present for our three children for years, whilst he has sat and enjoyed the gratitude from them as they did not know he had not contributed. Even if I had been able to give him a more substantial lump sum three years ago, that money would have long gone by now. He would still be in this mess because he is an idiot and I am not carrying him anymore.

DOUBT

Does Wildcard really love me? Is this as special as I think it is, or am I projecting my romantic sensibilities on an impossible situation? Do I want him so much because I can’t have him? Do I want him so much because of how attractive he is? Maybe he is just after a European wife. Maybe he thinks I’m stupid and naive and that I’ve fallen for his lies.

I’ve joined a Facebook group of other women waiting for borders to open. There is no denying, there is a pattern. Many of the women are older than their boyfriend. They’ve talked about the jealousy of their boyfriend’s friends because he has a European girlfriend…that has made me nervous.

But he calls me every day, multiple times. A ridiculous amount of times if you listen to my daughter, who believes it is actually more like one day-long video chat with a few breaks in. His actions very, very much suggest he loves me. He cares for me. He knows me. He inspires me. He makes me laugh. He shows pride in me. He shows jealous and anxiety when he thinks I am unhappy with him. He shows me he loves and misses me in all these ways every day. What more do I want?

CONFUSION

So, if he really does love me… what’s going to happen? There is no sign that the borders are going to open anytime soon. When will I see him? Will he wait? Should I be holding out at my age? Should I be looking closer to home? Would that make me happier? Could I cope with losing him? Would he pursue me or just move on quickly to one in a long line of women who want him?

So, yeah. I’m feeling blue.

Silent but present

I know I’ve not written for a while. Truth is, I’ve nothing to say.

I’m back at work. I’m liking my new role but, as is always, my life revolves around my working hours. There’s a lot going on and most of it I can’t control. I’ve had some feelings of anxiety about everything but, well, I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do so I may as well just carry on carrying on.

Since going back to work, I’ve been seeing my sisters less. I think their other halves had finally got to the point where patience had ran out. Subsequently, the last few weeks we have had weekly-ish visits instead of the daily visits.

They all seem happier in consequence but it was difficult for me at first. For the first time since April, I’ve had to learn to occupy myself again. It can be lonely but I’m managing OK, I think.

One of things I have done, was set up some theme nights. We’ve put lots of categories in a jar and each month we will pull out a category and plan a night. This was for two reasons: one, to provide some structure so that my brothers-in-law don’t feel overwhelmed and two, I want us all to move away from the alcohol and take-away fuelled evenings which had become so common place since Dad died.

Our first night was Friday and we had selected Indian. My youngest sister made homemade onion bhajis, raita and salad. My other sister and I made two curries – a madras and a tikka masala.

The night was a success! The food was delicious, cheaper than a takeaway and we had fun cooking together. The evening was civilised and entertaining. We’ve now decided to do one bi-monthly and where possible, to add other things – a linked film, fancy dress (for book or film themes) etc.

So, for now that’s it.

Bumbling along

So, unlike my favourite dating blog, backinstilettosagain, I certainly haven’t got any interesting dates to share yet.

But, I thought I’d update you on Bumble again. Please share your experience with me too – it would be great to know how usual all this is!

So after last night’s mini-rant, I was all set to delete my profile on Bumble. And then I thought again. One, as mumslovelife said – I need more than one picture if I am going to be taken seriously. So, I took a deep breath, scrolled through my phone and added three more. Second, I haven’t given it long enough. I actually quite like the premise of it so I need to give it more time. And three, I could always up the age limit…

I’d select 35 to 43 initially as I am 38. It just seemed like a good start. I then changed the age to 41 to 47. I figured – hoped more like – that there would be more maturity, less sex fiends and more potential.

As before, the first trawl was surprisingly positive – there are some very attractive, eligible older men in my area! After a while the profiles have been mixed. There are still shirtless pics and still men openly talking about their sexual preferences in their profile. Yuk.

I’ve made a few more matches. I’m currently messaging one who seems OK so far. The other two are yet to respond. Miserable dater from yesterday has not responded to my last message so I guess he had more contact from Tinder after all. 🤣

I’ll post more as the drama unfolds.