Slow snow

It’s snowing!

Somehow, my area has pretty much missed the snow so far this winter. Further north, the Lake District and Cumbria have been hit a number of times, as has the South. But despite a few minor flurries, we have been snowless.

Snow is a big deal round here. Of course there is the excitement of snowball fights and snowmen and the possibility of a snow day. Then there is the worry and concern of the state of the roads. Britain panics when it snows, even with modern technology and knowledge. Bizarre.

It struck me as I sat here, that those initial and overriding feelings of excitement and/or panic mean that you miss the absolute true beauty and tranquility of snow. I’m watching those little flakes swirl and dance as they fall and it is so beautiful.

(It seems to be falling quite fast but the flakes are really small. It’s like snow in a snow globe. I love the massive flakes that fall too: soft, memorising fluff.)

I realised that is this not often the way of life? That you become overwhelmed by your initial thoughts and feelings to the detriment of feelings pondered on later? Fear and worry take over, dominating sense and calm. It’s easy to say from my position of course, sat snuggly on my couch with the benefit of a slower pace of life courtesy of a breakdown and a sicknote. I’m sure if I was at work I would be feeling differently.

Speaking of which, I’ve had a week of good days! This has been my longest period of positivity and has to be a good sign. 😊 I’ve been productive too and am steadily working through the list of things I want to achieve before I return.

Yesterday I made myself go shopping but further afield than usual. Going out of the house is still an issue so travelling further was a goal. It wasn’t too bad in the end.

So, whatever you are doing today, take time to stop and think. Acknowledge your initial and dominating feelings, but give yourself time to consider the feelings under the surface. I actually think these are the most important.

Out

It was promising to be a beautiful day this morning. I dropped the children off at school and, as always, took the scenic route back. You drive down winding country lanes surrounded by farmers’ fields. You make a right turn, appreciating the large detached house on your left with its high metal gates and extensive grounds. You come to a cross roads with a gorgeous little gate house on the corner (I’ve not worked out which stately home it belongs to yet). You then turn down a lane with a wood on your left and open fields on your right. It is so beautiful on a sunny morning with pheasants strolling around and the sunlight catching the trees.

So, I decided that I would go home, make a flask of coffee and pick up my journal and then go to a local country park. I might even get out the car. ☺

But when I got home I could see that dad was up so I went in to give him his medicines and to say hello. Then I tidied the living room and emptied the dishwasher. And I might as well throw the vacuum cleaner around too. And put some laundry on the airer. And before you know it, the blue sky has disappeared behind a hazy grey and I’m not as inclined to venture out.

I didn’t go out as planned yesterday. I don’t know why. I wanted to go like I wanted to go this morning. I wandered round the house aimlessly with dad commenting that he had not seen me so agitated before. In the end, my sister and I went to the shops together, briefly. I can manage shops.

In the evening though I met up with my friend. I’d not seen her for three weeks and she is the one person who has stayed in contact, sending me inspirational messages. She’s my walking buddy and Road trip pal. So, I pulled myself together and picked her up.

We went to a retail park and browsed. She encouraged me to buy a perfume I liked. We then went for some food.

I had a nice time, but I didn’t. I got fed up half way round my favourite shop which isn’t like me. I knew I was quiet but didn’t know what to say. That it turn makes you annoyed with yourself. My friend was fantastic and filled the silences. She commented that I had been quiet but that it was ok and that I had done well to get out. Baby steps.

I was exhausted when I got home and frustrated with myself. I’ve got to snap out of this current reluctance to leave the house. Whichever way you look at it, it’s not doing me any good.

Next week I have my doctors appointment, welfare meetings at work and counselling. And at some point, the decision of whether it is time to go back to work. I’ll have to get out the house then 😊.

Clouds

The weather is so changeable at the moment here in North West UK. At times it is grim; there’s no other word to explain it. It’s windy, it’s raining and the sky is dark. The ground is covered in leaves and broken twigs and small branches. At other times – often within the same day – the wind manages to blow away the clouds long enough for the sun to appear. Then, the green of the outside seems to glow. I love it.

Like the weather, my mood has been pretty changeable too. It’s been so hard to get up this week and I hate the first few hours of the day as I fight through a medication and /or exhaustion induced fog. I wish I was a morning person. I would love to wake up early, potter about whilst enjoying a leisurely coffee and soaking up a beautifully peaceful morning before I wake the children for school. Never happens. I tried going to bed early. I’ve tried setting my alarm. I’ve tried setting my alarm and putting it far away from my bed.

One thing I’ve been dwelling on this week is my inability to sustain anything. So for example, I start the school year getting up at 6.30 and end it dragging myself up at 7.15am. I started to wash and dry a load of laundry once a day and now have to deal with washing mountain on a Saturday. I start a healthy, balanced diet for a few days then descend into binge-eating-chaos. I can’t sustain good habits.

As I’ve said previously, my counsellor (and family) think that I try to do too much and then berate myself when I fail. It’s true. I’m getting better but there is no answer for the million and one things I need to do but still aren’t done. The things that stack in my mind like jenga blocks, teetering precariously.

I am actually boring myself at the moment. I’m sick of the same old boring thoughts in my head. Thoughts that are 75% negative. I’m also sick of thinking about food and dieting. Sick of wondering what diet I can follow and actually stick to. Sick of conflicting advice. And this sense of suspension just means that I overeat. Eurgggh. Not good.

But. I’ve got the girls coming round tomorrow night to watch a film. Sunday I have the opportunity for another long walk. The clouds have parted. For now.

Another sunbeam of success! :