“OK.” My voice is weak and pathetic. There’s no point trying to get him to talk as I know he won’t. I’m screaming inside – my own need to resolve this before he ends the call, my fear that he may not call again ripping through me. He will sleep on it and I will lose him.
He’s frowning but I go for routine. I say ‘bye’ and send him a kiss. He doesn’t respond.
“Do I not get a kiss?”
“We will talk tomorrow.”
I pause, letting that sink in. I know he’s angry with me. I know there is nothing to say right now. I just have to have faith that this will blow over, again.
“OK, bye.” I send one more kiss as I always do.
The call ends and I drop the phone, and my head, on to the bed.
I will him to text me. To send me a kiss or an ‘I love you’. Anything. But minutes later and there is nothing.
Sure, he is not as vocal as I am at sharing his attraction. But I see it on his face, I feel it in every single call. There are moments, almost times he can’t control, when he has complimented me… Once, when I had answered his videocall, he’d involuntarily said how beautiful my eyes were, like his mouth had vocalised his thoughts uncontrollably and then he immediately changed the subject. More recently, in our first phone sex experience, he had surprised me by calling a part of my body beautiful. Just because he doesn’t say it like I do, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it. He showed he wanted me frequently when I was with him. He’s a man. I’m a woman. We are not the same.
I’m shamed. I’m stupid. I’m sorry.
So, I call again. He doesn’t answer immediately and for a moment I think he isn’t going to. But he does. He looks the same though, his expression is the same.
“Why are you sorry?”
“For being stupid.” He says nothing. “I love you.”
“I know.” He pauses. “We will talk tomorrow.”
“Maybe I need you to say it back to me?” I brush my hair back off my face and admit defeat. There’s nothing more I can do. “OK, bye, speak to you tomorrow.” I still send a kiss.
I can do no more. I stand up, stretch and go down to my children; my mind and heart numb. What more can I do?
I put my youngest to bed, heart and mind heavy. I just have to have faith, I tell myself. I go to the bathroom and was off my makeup, trying to drown out negative thoughts by focusing on massaging the creamy scented lotion into my face.
I go to my room and immediately notice the flashing on my phone. Frowning, I pick it up. He’s tried to call, four times.
I call back but he is not answering. As the call rings out I message him:
“Please answer. My phone was charging upstairs.”
The unanswered videocall cuts off and my heart plummets. But within seconds he is calling me.
I answer, wondering why this is not on videochat but really glad it isn’t: I did a very poor job of taking my makeup off. I explain why I didn’t answer the phone. He listens and says OK and I am relieved that this wasn’t another thing for him to be frustrated about.
There is silence again and I lie on my bed.
“Are you angry with me?”
“Are you upset with me?”
“No. I just don’t understand your thinking.”
I sigh. “I know, I’m stupid.”
“No, you’re not stupid. But I don’t understand why you think that way.”
“I’m scared of losing you.”
“But why are you scared of losing me? Why do you think you will lose me?”
“You say things that make me jealous. Those words stick with me.”
“But you know I am joking. I talk to you every day and I am at home. I have no time for other girls. You are the only girl in my life.”
“Who first said about this being serious? What did I say to you when you were with me and went for coffee? I told you that I wanted a serious relationship with you. I told you to get to know me and my family and make a decision. I said I wanted you first.”
“Yes you did. But when you joke about other girls, I get jealous.”
“We’ve talked about this before. Yes, I have girls on my Facebook. But they are just friends. What did I say about this?”
“That’s they are just friends like I have male friends and as long as it was respectful, it was OK.”
“You have men on your Facebook.”
“Yes, but they’re all mainly fellow dog lovers.”
“I’m not joking here. You have men on your Facebook and I don’t say anything because we have already talked about this. I told you that if we get married we will delete our Facebook and we will make one together, your Facebook is mine and mine is yours. But for now, we have our own. You have men on Facebook and I don’t like it. But that’s how it is for now – we are not married so I cannot say anything. But I don’t like it. “
“I don’t like it when you don’t kiss me goodbye. You don’t like I when I don’t”
“Well, I don’t like it either.”
“And I don’t like it when you don’t tell me you love me. I tell you everyday.”
“I don’t like it when you don’t tell me.”
There is a pause again. Everything that could be said has been said.
“OK, I will go now and we will talk tomorrow. OK?” His voice is normal now.
“OK. Mine is too.
“I love you.” He sends kisses down the phone.
“I love you too.” I send them back.
I’m calmer now. I don’t know why he responds the way he does to my insecurity or doubt in him. Frustration maybe? In his eyes, he has done all he can – told me he is serious, given me time, introduced me to his family, calls me frequently every single day.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again – my insecurity is going to chase him away.
This morning I’ve had my usual text and videocall. 😊