My endless love

Our love consumes me.

Every night, every night without fail, I lie in bed and close my eyes and he is there. I remember his kisses and his touch. I remember his arms around me. Making love. His smile and the warmth of his arms around me. Sometimes I imagine, carving out a new memory for the future. My hopes and dreams.

And each morning I wake and he is the first thing in my mind. I check the time to see how long it will be until I can message him. Or until he will call me. Until I see his face and hear his voice. I’m addicted to him and his love.

He consumes me.

I cannot get enough. No amount of time, no number of calls. It is never enough, never too much. And as he is the one who calls me 75% of the time, I assume he feels the same. No, not an asumption. He has told me that – he has never done this before and for so long and so much.

I feel like he awoke something in me. Everything now is in ultra HD… Every feeling and emotion, every promise and possibility.

I think about my life with him and, for the first time ever, I think about how much I want to make him happy: the life I want us to lead. This is new for me because before it was about the life my man would give me – the ideals and stereotypes that I wished for. I didn’t realise that until I met Wildcard and felt this.

I feel as if my whole life has led to this moment. Clues along the way now slot into place, leading me to him.

This is a love like no other. And every man that I have loved before just a lesson, a step towards loving him.

I once thought Lost Soul was my soul mate, the one who got away. What I felt for Lost Soul is nothing in comparison to the way I feel about Wildcard. And that terrifies me. It took me years to get over Lost Soul. But he was the one who got away for a reason – he wasn’t the right one. Sure, he opened my mind to possibilities of which led me to Wildcard. I have him to thank for that at least.

I know a part of me would never recover if I lost Wildcard. Because all the pieces in my life now fit and they’ve made a picture that I was forever looking for whilst barely knowing it existed.

But now I do.

My love for him is endless. I know that now from the depths of my soul to beyond.

Not ready

The conversation started simple enough. He was on his daily walk and as usual he asked me what the news was. I told him that my sister had been to see a solicitor about her divorce. This led to a conversation about the laws in our respective countries and how different they are.

As the conversation developed we ended up talking about his brothers and their wives which led to him telling me that both brothers had wanted to leave his country and were unlikelyto ever return. They were unhappy with the life they had and were open to a more European life.

You can perhaps guess what happened next. I couldn’t help myself and when I asked, he laughed because he knew I would ask.

So I asked: “and what about you?” he told me that he isn’t like his brothers – he likes his country and he has had opportunities there. He wasn’t desperate to leave like they were. So then I asked him what this meant for me and him. This is where he laughed.

But then he was sincere and serious for once. He told me that he thought about it every day and that he hadn’t made a decision yet, he wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know what to feel -shock probably -and yet I guess I kind of knew it too.

He of course saw my concern and worry and reassured me. He told me that i know he loves me and that he wants a future with me. I’m with him now now that he serious with me. But he’s just not ready.

Not ready for what? This is the part I don’t understand. Not ready to propose? Not ready to commit? (and yeah, he said he has committed to me because we’re in a serious relationship). He reminded me that his family know we are in a serious relationship. So how how can you be so sure you love somebody and want to be with them but say I’m not ready?

He talked about having to start again if he came to my country and he doesn’t want to do that, he likes his job where he is and does not like the idea of relying on me. He likes the weather in his country and jokes that he couldn’t stand the cold here. He also talked about his parents, about the fact that he is the last one there and that there isn’t a daughter to look after them.

Being honest it was only when my sister pointed out out that that I would feel similar in his situation that I really thought about it. He’s absolutely right to need to think. He’d be leaving a life that he’s created, leaving his family in order to go to a country he doesn’t know, and a culture that’s completely different to his. It pains me to say it, but it’s true.

Do I feel any better? I don’t know. He’s justified in not being sure. We’ve spent one week physically in each other’s company. All I really wanted to know was that we were possible, he’s considering it, he loves me enough to consider it. I think I got my answer for that. And whilst the thought that his brothers may be married Europeans in order to to escape their country, I suppose I can be sure that that’s not his plan.

Everything is crossed.

I’ve waited a few days, just to be sure, but – dare I say it – my relationship with Wild Card has gone back to normal.

Sunday was the end of Ramadan and there was a noticeable (for me anyway) change in him. It’s like he lost an ‘edge’… not as strong as a change in atmosphere but something like that…a weight lifting… You know what I mean.

Since then, things have been really good. 😁

That doesn’t mean things are forgotten though. There was some behaviour that was perhaps amplified by the situation but that we both need to learn from.

Anyway, for now, I’m just going to enjoy being with him virtually and try not to think too longingly of the summer when hopefully I can visit again. Obviously, with this week being half term and borders still being closed, summer will be the earliest.

I’ve got everything crossed.

Intensity and Finding balance. Or not.

Time for a Wild Card update. ❤️

As you can probably see, whilst the daily discover prompts were an attempt to diversify my writing a little, many of them still end up being about him… Sorry about that.

Truth is, this relationship is consuming me. I’ve never felt like this before, for so long anyway. Everyone gets that intensity at the beginning of a relationship, I get that. But I’ve know him now for six months. And for about five and a half of those we have video chatted every single day. And for the majority of those days, it’s for hours (culminatively).

So, yes, it’s intense.

Since lockdown started here, we have adapted into a new routine of sorts. There’s still the morning text message – usually from me now as I am up first due to the daylight saving changes. This is often followed up by him with a videochat – I am in the car with him as he goes to work or we have a chat as he lies in bed having just woken.

Most days, I’m also with him as he drives back home and goes to the shop or when he gets home and is sanitising everything. I quite enjoy being propped up on the bathroom mirror, watching him wash. 😁

We will then part ways whilst he eats or rests etc. Within three hours there is another videochat and then usually one more when he is having tea with me propped up at the dinner table as he eats/drinks with his family.

All the time in between I’m thinking about him. Yes, really. As the hours pass by, I get more tense until he calls (usually) or I cave and call him. Yesterday for example, I called. He laughed and said “You missing me, or what?” and then said that he wanted to call me but I got there first.

No, there’s not much to talk about. There’s the usual catching up of ‘news’ which as you can imagine, never takes long. There’s always a bit of joking and teasing on his part and laughing/ mock sulking on mine. Sometimes I am with him as he listens to music or when he goes on to his roof terrace to watch the sunset. Sometimes I am just there and we don’t talk. And I don’t care. I just want to be with him and I’m guessing, as he is mainly the one to call me, that it is the same with him.

The LDR advice I’ve read has always been to ensure you carry on with your own life and try not to let the relationship dominate. Erm, I think we are both finding that hard, I’m not sure why. Is it just the situation? Is it the intensity of our feelings? Is it because this is still a new relationship? As this is my first LDR and pandemic 😳, I have no point of reference. Finding balance is difficult, no matter what though. I just want to be with him.

Sure, life still goes on. I’m still doing housework and feeding my children. I’m doing school work. I’ve even done some gardening and extra cleaning etc. I speak with loved ones on the phone. But he is always present in my thoughts.

We still have ups and downs, but mostly ups. It’s hardly surprising with the amount of time we are together (would I be on the phone to him everyday for 3-4 hours after six months if he was English? I very much doubt it.) and the fact that we are going through this vile corona situation. And, yes, we are still getting to know one another.

Our main issues are the same although we are getting much better at discussing them – insecurity and jealousy.

I still have moments of doubt. I can’t believe that he is interested in me. I know he loves me, I feel it. But what if I love him more than he loves me? What if I think this relationship is more serious/connected than he does?

My darkest thoughts, when I allow them to surface, are one of the following: 1) I was wrong all along and he is just after a marriage visa. 2) He’s just playing me and has a number of girls on the go. 3) He does love me but will find someone else as he doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. 4) Coronavirus is going to make this too difficult and he will just give up and marry someone locally.

Believe me, if I allow myself to, I can find/twist untold amount of evidence to prove all three.

But I can also find evidence to the contrary:

  • He calls and texts repeatedly, every single day. He has no time for anyone else, at least to the extent he calls me.
  • Daily, I am with him when he is with his family. Culturally, that is very significant.
  • He tells me he loves me, every single day. He sends me e-cards, videos and memes at important points.
  • He spends a significant amount of time every day just making me laugh and smile. He is daft and silly. Just for me.
  • Almost without thinking, he talks about when I next visit, like it is a given.
  • He’s there for me when I need him. He cares. He won’t end a call unless he knows I am happy.
  • He puts up with my insecurity and jealousy. He talks me through my bizarre thinking. Only sometimes does he get frustrated.
  • He gets jealous and insecure himself.

So, that’s where we are up to. I’m in love. Seriously in love. And every day I hope he feels the same way.

The calm after the storm

I can only hope that the ‘jealousy’ incident a few days ago and our conversation about it has made us stronger. It certainly appears that way.

I don’t know whether it is me or him but things have shifted again but for the better.

Since my own self reflection and processing, I’ve tried really hard to be positive and to stop my anxious thoughts in their tracks. I’ve definitely felt happier, if you can in these weird circumstances across the world, and have tried to smile more and laugh more. Any time something has happened which starts an anxious and jealous ruminating, I’ve repeated my mantra in my head or re-read my own post. It’s working so far.

As you know, I rarely believe that coincidences are coincidental… A couple of nights ago, whilst I was trying to process all this, I received a private message on Facebook. It was from a man that I have ‘befriended’ through a group we both follow. He is his 60s so I’m guessing he is not after anything romantic (!?) but rather that he is lonely. He’s from Germany so the conversation was a little stilted as we both referred to online translators. We talked about this and that – our dogs, Coronavirus etc etc. But then he commented on my profile picture. He said that I was a pretty woman with a beautiful smile and that I should smile more. I was a little taken aback. I wondered whether this was translation gone wrong. I questioned him a little more – he apologised for his directness and has since done so again – but said that my pictures had contained less smiling recently. The next day he apologised again for his directness. He’s told me that he has a brain tumour and so no longer feels the need to guard what he says as much. Sure, there are a few alarm bells ringing here and I’m thinking he’s just a lonely man needing some online community in this challenging time, rather than someone mercenary.

But even if he isn’t, his comments made me reflect on myself in the past few weeks. I do need to smile more. Even when there isn’t much to smile about. And so I have: I’ve pushed away the smile-crushing negatives as best I can and therefore have been/appeared/felt happier.

And either because of that, or because we talked about it, Wild Card has seemed more affectionate. I’m still getting the same amount of time and calls but more verbal affection – a few little compliments subtly given and many more ‘I love you’s. He is still being his cheeky and teasing self but I wouldn’t want it any other way – we appear to have the right balance at the moment. Long may it continue.

I’m OK.

I am, honestly. But I will warn you, this post is a long one.

He did enough with the unexpected phonecall last night to actually talk about our ‘problem‘ and then his texts and calls today put my mind at relative ease as things are back to normal.

I’ve done as any good English teacher would do and I’ve spent some of my day reading about ‘anxiety in relationships’.

There are some good articles out there and they did put my mind at rest somewhat. They talked about the need to process what might be causing the anxiety as well as reasurring you that some anxiety is normal. Note the word ‘some’ though.

Anyone who has read my blog for a little while will know that I suffer from anxiety anyway. And we are all on edge at the moment. Plus I’m in a new relationship. And it’s long distance. Which is new to me. And I’m absolutely in love with him. Yep, a pretty toxic mix of anxiety-causing factors there. So first of all, I’m going to give myself a break.

Now. Processing time. Again, readers of my blog will know that I do this: I think (probably too much) and I process. Often I find the answers I need. Sometimes I manage to follow them for a little while. It’s the constancy that’s the issue.

One article talks about the negative impact of previous relationships:

So, I can put a ‘hell yes’ next to every one of those. Not bad for a woman who has had four and a half relationships. Is it any wonder I’m a mess? First boyfriend probably cheated on me. He certainly did number two and three before I finally got shut of him. Lost Soul (my half of a relationship which says it all) did two and three. My husband? Well, he doesn’t quite fit into any but he lied repeatedly and I felt that he didn’t love me as much as he should have done. Although, you can say the same about my feelings for him. You can read about my previous failed relationships in earlier posts.

So all of that is equating to a lot of hurt and distrust. And whilst I loved most of them, I have not felt as I feel now for Wild Card, except perhaps for Lost Soul in the beginning.

Self esteem: Well, I haven’t got much. Probably because of the above and the fact that I have been very overweight for most of my adult life. I’ve been told I’m pretty but I don’t trust people because I feel they say that as a softener for the fact I am big. Sure, I’ve lost three and a half stone but I probably need to lose the same again to be classed as the right weight.

Questioning: Yep, I question everything. A lot. I overthink, a lot. Everything thing he says or does, doesn’t say or doesn’t do, gets heavily processed in my brain. We all know that anxiety impairs your ability to think properly. Overthinking can lead you down the wrong path. I’ve got to keep with the facts and stop ruminating with ‘what ifs’.

Another article talks about taking your fears and considering how your thoughts have created the anxiety but then how they can quell it. Here goes:

How my thoughts support my fears: You can never truly know how someone feels – you only know as much as they care to show and share with you. Even then they can lie. He may hurt me. He may lie. He may cheat. But he also might not and worrying about it isn’t going to make it any less likely. If it’s going to happen, it will happen. That’s his choice. I’m pretty sure he wishes I was thinner, although I know he likes my bottom. And my eyes and lips. And hair. And smile come to think about it. (oops this should be in the other section). He does make me jealous, sometimes on purpose. He teases and jokes. It’s part of who he is. But also, there is a place for my jealousy. He is a very attractive, younger, single man. I’m not the easy option and probably not the best, if I am being honest. And he is honest with me, perhaps too much. He’s told me things about past girlfriends to be honest with me but then fails to see how this then affects me. He’s done it today – mystery caller has turned out to be his ex.

How my thoughts go against my fears: I have no evidence that he has cheated or will cheat. He has strong feelings about monogomy so I have to hope that it goes for him too. He’s always been very honest about the nature of our relationship as he is very aware of our cultural differences. I have to trust that is because he is serious. And his feelings? He tells me he loves me regularly and if the amount of attention and time are anything to go by, it’s clear that he feels something. If he wasn’t attracted to me, he wouldn’t be with me. That man is delicious and I have no doubts that there are some very beautiful women who like him. But he is with me: he is pursuing me. That has to count for something. (and he likes my bottom, eyes, lips, smile and hair. ) I know then he’s making me jealous to tease. It’s obvious. I know he is joking. I’ve just got to stop my mind from twisting what I know is a joke into something it isn’t.

And I know when he is being sincere. I know by the way he talks and how he looks. He told me about his ex calling today so that I would stop thinking it was another girl. (!) I know that. When he questioned my being quiet (goddam him, I really tried to act normal) I simply asked what he had said to her. They had ‘chit chat’ apparently. He told me to not think about it as it was nothing. As our conversation ended he brought it up again, telling me not to be sad as it was nothing. He always soothes me at the end of a call if I have shown any anxiety or stress about anything (none him-related stuff too) and it’s one of the ways he shows he cares. He would not have told me about her calling or tried to make me feel better if it was anything to worry about.

Ultimately, my anxiety is making this relationship unhappy. My anxiety. I’ve got to trust him, otherwise, what is the point? If I trust him and he breaks that trust then he wasn’t worth it anyway. If I don’t trust him then it will be me who could destroy this. It has to stop.

Part two of ‘Stupid’

“OK.” My voice is weak and pathetic. There’s no point trying to get him to talk as I know he won’t. I’m screaming inside – my own need to resolve this before he ends the call, my fear that he may not call again ripping through me. He will sleep on it and I will lose him.

He’s frowning but I go for routine. I say ‘bye’ and send him a kiss. He doesn’t respond.
“Do I not get a kiss?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“We will talk tomorrow.”
I pause, letting that sink in. I know he’s angry with me. I know there is nothing to say right now. I just have to have faith that this will blow over, again.

“OK, bye.” I send one more kiss as I always do.
“Bye.”

The call ends and I drop the phone, and my head, on to the bed.

I will him to text me. To send me a kiss or an ‘I love you’. Anything. But minutes later and there is nothing.

Sure, he is not as vocal as I am at sharing his attraction. But I see it on his face, I feel it in every single call. There are moments, almost times he can’t control, when he has complimented me… Once, when I had answered his videocall, he’d involuntarily said how beautiful my eyes were, like his mouth had vocalised his thoughts uncontrollably and then he immediately changed the subject. More recently, in our first phone sex experience, he had surprised me by calling a part of my body beautiful. Just because he doesn’t say it like I do, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it. He showed he wanted me frequently when I was with him. He’s a man. I’m a woman. We are not the same.

I’m shamed. I’m stupid. I’m sorry.

So, I call again. He doesn’t answer immediately and for a moment I think he isn’t going to. But he does. He looks the same though, his expression is the same.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“For being stupid.” He says nothing. “I love you.”

“I know.” He pauses. “We will talk tomorrow.”

“Maybe I need you to say it back to me?” I brush my hair back off my face and admit defeat. There’s nothing more I can do. “OK, bye, speak to you tomorrow.” I still send a kiss.

I can do no more. I stand up, stretch and go down to my children; my mind and heart numb. What more can I do?

I put my youngest to bed, heart and mind heavy. I just have to have faith, I tell myself. I go to the bathroom and was off my makeup, trying to drown out negative thoughts by focusing on massaging the creamy scented lotion into my face.

I go to my room and immediately notice the flashing on my phone. Frowning, I pick it up. He’s tried to call, four times.

I call back but he is not answering. As the call rings out I message him:

“Please answer. My phone was charging upstairs.”

The unanswered videocall cuts off and my heart plummets. But within seconds he is calling me.

I answer, wondering why this is not on videochat but really glad it isn’t: I did a very poor job of taking my makeup off. I explain why I didn’t answer the phone. He listens and says OK and I am relieved that this wasn’t another thing for him to be frustrated about.

There is silence again and I lie on my bed.

“Are you angry with me?”

“No.”

“Are you upset with me?”

“No. I just don’t understand your thinking.”

I sigh. “I know, I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re not stupid. But I don’t understand why you think that way.”

“I’m scared of losing you.”

“But why are you scared of losing me? Why do you think you will lose me?”

“You say things that make me jealous. Those words stick with me.”

“But you know I am joking. I talk to you every day and I am at home. I have no time for other girls. You are the only girl in my life.”

“I know.”

“Who first said about this being serious? What did I say to you when you were with me and went for coffee? I told you that I wanted a serious relationship with you. I told you to get to know me and my family and make a decision. I said I wanted you first.”

“Yes you did. But when you joke about other girls, I get jealous.”

“We’ve talked about this before. Yes, I have girls on my Facebook. But they are just friends. What did I say about this?”

“That’s they are just friends like I have male friends and as long as it was respectful, it was OK.”

“You have men on your Facebook.”

“Yes, but they’re all mainly fellow dog lovers.”

“I’m not joking here. You have men on your Facebook and I don’t say anything because we have already talked about this. I told you that if we get married we will delete our Facebook and we will make one together, your Facebook is mine and mine is yours. But for now, we have our own. You have men on Facebook and I don’t like it. But that’s how it is for now – we are not married so I cannot say anything. But I don’t like it. “

“I don’t like it when you don’t kiss me goodbye. You don’t like I when I don’t”

“No.”

“Well, I don’t like it either.”

“Yes.”

“And I don’t like it when you don’t tell me you love me. I tell you everyday.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t like it when you don’t tell me.”

“Yes.”

There is a pause again. Everything that could be said has been said.

“OK, I will go now and we will talk tomorrow. OK?” His voice is normal now.

“OK. Mine is too.

“I love you.” He sends kisses down the phone.

“I love you too.” I send them back.

I’m calmer now. I don’t know why he responds the way he does to my insecurity or doubt in him. Frustration maybe? In his eyes, he has done all he can – told me he is serious, given me time, introduced me to his family, calls me frequently every single day.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again – my insecurity is going to chase him away.

This morning I’ve had my usual text and videocall. 😊

Understanding.

Following yesterday afternoon’s very interesting phonecall, I was in an enlightened place for a few hours. Probably stupidly, it had left me feeling closer to him and more secure. I don’t know why. It was a first for me, therefore special, but that doesn’t mean he felt the same way.

Anyway, I was enlightened. When he called me again later on, I had gone out for a walk. I wasn’t feeling enlightened any more but this was just due to corona-anxiety plus a weird ‘I want to be on my own to stew but I don’t want to be alone’ mentality. More on that little gem another time.

We had a good conversation about a few things, including the (many) differences in our countries and how this has affected us and our extended families. I enjoy conversations like this because I feel it really helps to get to know each other more. Next minute, he went quiet though and was staring into space. Then, he was asking about my divorce again.

This has happened before. He wants to know why my ex and I have separated. He can’t understand what the issues were. I questioned him and he said two things – one, I apparently change my story each time he asks and he doesn’t understand. Two, he’s worried that I am going be fed up with him in a few years and will ‘fall out of love with’ him too. (He’s really working on the honesty thing)

I tried to set him straight… I don’t change my story, it’s just that there were a lot of issues. Plus, because he keeps asking me, I feel like he’s not understood so have to explain in more depth. How could I not love my husband but be with him 13 years and have three children? I try to explain… I loved him as a person – he is a good man. I thought if I worked hard on the marriage I could make it work. There were a lot of problems from the beginning – most women would not have stuck it out as long as I did. He wasn’t right for me. And I never knew that I could feel the love I had only dreamed about, until recently. Until I met HIM (Wild Card) . I thought love was something you had to work hard for.

He was a little more settled by the end. He said it was my past so he was OK with everything – we still had time to get to know each other and work things out. I, again, told him the strength of my feelings and that what we had was very, very different to my relationship with my ex.

**********

This morning I’ve had another ‘phonecall’ (I’m never going to tire of that) and I sent him a poem that I had written for him which I had attached to one of our favourite pictures of us. He asked me to send it him again but with my name on it.❤️ This evening we have talked for hours again.

He knows me, so well. It scares me sometimes. He knew I was ‘off’ and despite how I tried to explain why, was able to articulate what was wrong with me much better than I could. He then spent half an hour making me laugh, and wouldn’t leave til he knew I was OK. This is why I love him. This is why I need him in my life. He understands me, loves me, cares for me.

And, as an absolute bonus… He is goddam hot.

Jealousy, part two.

Today was a relatively good day. He called me and actually talked to me about his problems at work, telling me his concerns and worries and asking what I thought. I felt like his girlfriend today. He shared – in detail for once- and I listened. Maybe my super long panic-stricken morning text did the job after all.

But then he talked about the ‘friend’ who wants to give him a job. He told me he met her on Facebook a while ago but they are just friends and that she has told him she can get him a job working with her. I bet she can. He decided to tell me today that they have met two or three times in the past. And he thinks she wants more from him. Well, duh, that’s obvious. She’s 24 so a better age for him than I am.

My cheeks flushed with jealousy as he told me. He didn’t tell me to purposefully make me jealous – I know when he is playing that little game, and it is very much a game when he does it. He told me as he wants to be open and honest and wanted my opinion on the job – I know, because he has a particular face and tone of voice that he uses when he is being open and honest. Though, I won’t deny, the knowledge of that ‘friend’ has simmered a little today though.

So I processed it. I thought about the hours and hours of calls. Every. Single. Day. (Except the One That Shall Never Be Discussed. ) I thought about how he spent a week with me and he was rarely on the phone, if at all. No girl would put up with that.

I thought about his care and his love. And even his own jealousy. His making me a part of his every day routine. The fact that I know his family. The fact that he broke goodness knows how many cultural and religious rules to be with me.

And then I considered that even if he is talking with someone else, there is nothing I can do about it. I can only be myself, love him, and hope that I win out or the truth comes out and I move on. Worrying about it can only harm. And why tell me about her if there was something going on?

And then I thought about the call itself. The way he was looking at me. I kept asked him ‘what’, but he wouldn’t tell me. It wasn’t that look but there was something and I wasn’t quite sure…

Until the conversation made an unexpected cheeky turn. A blatent game of shocking flirtation. A discussion of our sexual encounters and a physical reaction from him which proved how he was feeling.

So, when he called again later, my jealousy was in check. Sure I may have brought up the girls in as subtle a way as I could, which I know he caught on to without it being confrontational (no tears, woo hoo!).

And I know he loves me. When my insecurity is in check, I see it blatently and overtly, right before my eyes. Sure, it may not be in the same way as I tell him. But it’s there. Like, how he won’t end the call sometimes if he thinks I’m not ready to – he’ll restart the conversation. The amount of times he checks if I’m OK. The way he makes me laugh. His unique way of telling me he loves me. His voice dip when he actually says it at the end of the call. The way he sends a me a kiss, so sincerely and intense. I know he loves me.

So, until I know otherwise, that is enough.

Love highs and love lows

A weekend of highs and lows. It just seems to be the way at the moment.

Friday was fine overall – we chatted in the day and he called me a couple of times at night. I’m starting to realise more that when he’s quiet it is usually because he is tired.

Saturday, I did not get up in a good place. I’d spoken to one of my friends who had been self isolating for four days due to a medical condition. He’d spent those four days scouring the net about Corona. So by the time I spoke to him, he was extremely anxious. Whilst I had tried to comfort him, some of what he had said stuck with me. I woke up emotional and negative. I was questioning the importance of everything, Wild Card included.

But Wild Card and I got through that. We spoke numerous times over the weekend. The teasing, the laughing, the affection is all there. We even had some sexy talk.

The highlight for me was rather unexpected though. 90% of our communication is through videochat and over the course of a day, we are probably online two to three hours. (That’s what made the day where we didn’t talk much, so bad.)

This weekend though, I got a phonecall. Yes, you read right. A phonecall. ‘So what?’ I hear you say. Well, the thing about a phonecall with someone you are attracted to, is that you can’t focus on their face and expressions. It’s all about the voice. And my goodness, what a voice. I hadn’t realised just how sexy it was! As in, my heart was pounding and I actually felt turned on. Oh. MY.

It also felt a little like when I first met him in person. I knew him, knew his face and his voice, and yet experiencing that without a screen felt familiar and yet other at the same time. I remember sitting in the car on the way back from the airport and just listening to his voice in real life and thinking, wow. Perhaps that’s why it had such an effect on me this week. I’ve heard his voice practically every day for months now, and yet without the video it sounds different. And really, really hot.

Last night ended up being a lowlight unfortunately, after a weekend of positivity.

Where to start. His ex contacted him whilst we were talking. He told me she had messaged him. I remind him that she had messaged him before and he had told me what she said. (She misses him. Nine years and a marriage to someone else later.) He asked whether he should reply and I said it was not my business, at first, which he found amusing. I may have then made my feelings clear about contacting him when she was married. I asked if she knew about me, expecting a no. He admitted that he had told her about me and that he was in a relationship with me. She’d asked him how it was going and he had said good, he liked it.

So I was happy with that. But then somehow we got on to my past relationships and although I told him what I thought he already knew , something I said hit a nerve. He went very quiet very quickly and said he was going. I wouldn’t let him, saying we needed to talk about it. He wouldn’t. I could see he was agitated but he wouldn’t talk. So I talked too much. And cried, again. He doesn’t like it when I cry. He told me that he loved me: ‘you know that’. He said I had done nothing wrong but… I know there was something.

This morning, on what is starting to become a nasty ritual, I sent a long text once again stating what I feel for him. I told him that those past relationships had led me to him, had made me value him so that I could cope with the challenges of an LDR and I really believe that. I told him we needed to talk when he was unhappy with something. He text back, briefly, but said all was well and pretended that nothing had happened. I couldn’t do any more.

Some days, I really feel that the world talks to you, if you listen carefully. There are no coincidences. Whether it’s God or a loved one, I don’t know. But somehow, things fall into place.

For instance, it was my first day in work since the schools shut down. I was asked to do something really unusual – write a letter which I then had to post manually to local residents. It was bizarre but the best thing. I was in the Spring sunshine. It gave me thinking time but equally, it put everything into perspective. I saw beautiful flowers hidden under hedgerows. I saw a red leaf on the ground which looked like perfect pouty lips. Little things that pulled my mind out of despair about Corona and my currently tumultuous relationship with Wild Card.

I got a videochat late afternoon but it was one of those where he wants me present but we have little to say to each other. I suppose it feels like us sitting in the same room whilst one person is watching TV and the other is reading. It lasted about 40 minutes despite that.

After the call, I went on Facebook. Maybe there’s something on there that scans your phone and sends you content pertinent to you. But 3/4 of the articles on there were about self love and the importance of loving yourself if you want a relationship to work. (I haven’t written or searched for self love btw). It all hit home. I’ve got to be more positive. I was allowing everything to drag me down again.

I got up and thought about everything. The messages I had received from the cosmos. That I need to practice self love and that was something that I wasn’t. To value the little things again. I was crying too much, being sensitive too much. It needed to change. I needed to be positive.

How different the other calls were after that! The last call felt like this last few weeks hadn’t happened. We were laughing at the stupid things I have said when our language differences have led to misunderstandings – and believe me they are stupid. We had much fun remembering them and talking through them and we both laughed freely. He is intelligent and witty and I love that about him. And how, even though we are laughing at my stupid mistakes, I can see the love in his face. It’s a weird concept because no other boyfriend has made me feel humble like that but I really like it. He loves me for me, mistakes and all. Highlights and lowlights.