I think my anxiety may have won out over my gut. Not often that your anxiety is a good thing.

After I had posted I sent him a quick message saying I was worried about him. Within minutes he was calling.

He seemed more like himself but at the same time I could see that it was a show. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong but said that he had just needed some alone time. When I told him I was worried about him, he asked me why and then said ‘good’. I said, “so it’s good I was worried about you?” and he said yes. Maybe he is more insecure than he lets on.

When the conversation became a little stilted, I said I would go but then he got me talking again… His way of not letting me off the phone – I’ve noticed he has used this tactic before. We then had a half decent conversation, some joking, and he was laughing which was good. Perhaps I do cheer him up in my own way. Although, it’s mainly at my expense, I’ve discovered. He loves teasing me.

I brought up my visit and asked what we will be doing. He asked me what I want to do. I said that I wanted to be with him. Luckily, that’s what he wants too, apparently.

At the end of the conversation he said we would be talk tomorrow and I said ‘maybe’, in my own teasing way. He was quite surprised I said maybe, and hastily asked ‘why maybe’ and I told him I was joking. It may have not been the intended response but it was a welcome one for me.

So, in summary… Clearly he hasn’t had a good couple of days. He’s not willing to tell me why, just yet. If it was me, maybe I’ve done enough to reassure him again. I felt reasonably comfortable by the end of the conversation. He’s not trying to paint a picture of domestic bliss. Today felt very real – he has his ups and downs and was honest enough to admit that, although he wouldn’t say what had caused it.

I said it yesterday, but, we just need to meet now. That’s what we both need and then we will both know.


In the middle of the night

Last night, I went to bed on a high.

My last post had been written in a state of dating anxiety and a little confusion, but had been interrupted by a video chat by Wild Card which had gone really well. Back to normal really.

Similarly, after that call, I had my usual evening WhatsApp chat with Second, once he had finished his shift. That, equally, went well as we talked about and made plans for our date. As he has been lately, his messages were sweet and complimentary. I can’t wait to see him online/speak to him on Sunday when he comes home. I went to sleep content and with a smile on my face.

So why did I wake up at 4.30am with thoughts whirling??

My sleep deprived brain was determined to thrash out my concerns at this ungodly hour. I accept that half of what I am about to write is completely unreasonable.

Wild Card – why all of a sudden is it back to normal? What’s changed? Was it just me being paranoid? Has his other woman (which he claims he doesn’t have and I have no proof of either way) blown him off? How do I know I can trust him? How do I know I can’t? The only way this could ever work is if I visit him. Isn’t that risky? But what choice do I have? I can never know the truth otherwise.

Second. I know he is feeling something for me as much as I am for him (How have I got myself in this situation?) and I also know he is more vulnerable that he wants to let on.

It’s such a weird situation – to be in regular, daily contact with someone for nearly two months… To feel like you are beginning to know them….but not to have met. There’s another six weeks of this to go and I wonder how it will progress. What can we talk about? I am aware that when he goes back home for his holiday, our regular contact will reduce and I’m OK with that. I do wonder if it will make or break us though.

How have I got myself into this bizarre situation?

I know that they have both captivated my interest enough that I’m not engaged in the online dating apps. That’s dangerous.

I don’t believe I’m lucky, or unlucky depending which way you look at it, enough to have met two men who I can share this stage of my life with. One has to be the villain: the Wickham to the Darcy.

But I can’t choose at the moment and so I will continue to enjoy both of them whilst having regular bouts of anxiety and guilt about it. Sadly, one of them will have to choose for me in the future, and no doubt they will.

I’m sure I would be less tired if I didn’t spend so much energy thinking about all this.